Jess: It hurts. I feel like I've laid a million eggs and they're all hatching. I feel like I want to murder someone, and also I want soft pretzels.
Winston: You know what? I feel the same way.
Jess: Shut up! Shut up, you! 'Cause I don't want to hear it! I've had it! If any of you cross me, I'm gonna kick the testicles clean off your body! Clean off! You'll look like Ken dolls down there. Because that's where I'm at right now. Now which one of you guys wants to tell me to get a job? Hmm? Who wants to look me in the face and tell me to get a job?

Nick: I don't think it's fair that women have an excuse once a month to act irrationally angry when the rest of us have to keep it together all the time.
Jess: You're irrationally angry 365 days a year, Nick.
Nick: What are you talking about?
[flashback to Nick struggling with a door:]
Nick: I will push if I want to push! Come on! I hate doors!
[present:]
Nick: Really? Well, that's just your personal opinion, 'cause I don't have anger issues. You guys think I have anger issues?
Schmidt: Well, I mean, I wouldn't exactly call it an issue. An issue is something you can fix.
Winston: Been that way since I can remember.
[flashback to Young Nick at a lemonade stand:]
Young Nick: This is some watered-down nonsense. You're some no-good shysters!

Schmidt: Now, what are you going to do about it? How are you gonna pay the gas bill?
Jess: I don't know.
Nick: I've got an idea. Get a job.
Jess: The school year's already started. I have a lot of decisions to make as far as my résumé is concerned. I have to choose a font, spacing, columns...
Nick: Okay, just update your résumé, you ninny.