Nick: [on TV] You magnificent dumb-ass. If you're watching this, it's because you decided to get back with Caroline.
Nick: Yes, Nick. I did.
Nick: [on TV] Well, congratulations, you idiot. She destroyed you.
Nick: You don't know me, you jerk!
Nick: [on TV] These, my dumb friend, are your tears. And you saved them all.
Schmidt: [restraining Nick] I got him, I got him.
Nick: [on TV] Think back, Nick. Or whatever they call you in your time. Who dumped you three times? Once before you had to speak at your brother's wedding.
Nick: Well, he's divorced now, so I'll get another shot.
Nick: [on TV] This is a poem you wrote about Caroline...
Nick: I don't want the poem. I don't want the poem.
Schmidt: You're getting the poem.
Nick: [on TV] ...But you're too emotional to read it right now. You're going to give it to Schmidt for safekeeping.
Schmidt: [on TV] This is your doing, Caroline.
Schmidt: You were right to have trusted me. Two years I held this thing. Read it.
Nick: "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? No, a summer's day is not a bitch." [Nick whimpers on TV] Really, Nick? That's how you want to talk about Caroline?