Schmidt: Hey, Jess. I brought you some tea. Just gonna leave it right here, okay? There you go. So, Russell... Ouch. Right? I mean, who saw that coming? Not me. Certainly not Russell. I guess, I guess you saw it coming. I mean, 'cause you're the one who broke up with him.
Jess: Leave, Schmidt.
Schmidt: All right, fine. I'll leave. But you know what? Know this: you're not the only one that's hurting here, Jessica Day. The economy stinks, bees are dying, movies are pretty much all sequels now, and I...
Jess: Don't say "broken penis."
Schmidt: ...have a broken penis. Don't pretend to know my pain.

Schmidt: [moaning] It hurts so bad, because...
Cece: What's turning you on?
Schmidt: Oh...
Cece: The queen of diamonds? The bow?
Schmidt: Oh, my God.
Cece: The teeth in the glass?
Schmidt: I care about you so much.
Cece: The leaf painting?
Schmidt: But...
Cece: Is emotional intimacy turning you on?
Schmidt: [groans]
Cece: Are you in that much pain? Uh, he passed out. We need help!

Nick: [on TV] Now that I got your attention, Future Nick, there's a few things I'd like to talk to you about. Be nicer to your mom when she calls. [cut] Stop giving yourself high fives. [cut] Put your head underwater, you two-year-old. [cut] Be nicer to Coach, or he's gonna take off, live with a bunch of other white people. [bad accent] I no fake karate. [silly voice] I'm Nick, I'm grumpy. I'm going to put my baby hood on. [cut] Sex is a sprint, not a marathon [sings] You are special, you are special You... [cut] We'll see each other in the future... unless I see you first. Nick Miller!