Schmidt: [to Jess] You bonded emotionally. If you end up having sex with him, it's gonna be missionary with a lot of eye contact. Look, that is not one-night-stand material.
Cece: You got to listen to him. He's right on this one. Sorry.
Schmidt: I know what I'm talking about. I have my 10,000 hours. Outliers. You should read it. Malcolm Gladwell. It's one of my desert island books. Along with Machiavelli's The Prince, Freak by John Leguizamo, any of the scripts from the first season of Vampire Diaries, a little Phantom T.
Cece: I love Phantom Tollbooth.
Schmidt: Of course you do ... you're a human being.

Woman: This sangria is amazing, Winston.
Winston: My grandmother's recipe, so I can't take credit for that. But seriously, Tia, you don't want a man who has fancier underpants than you.
Shelby: I keep trying to tell her that.
Tia: It's true.
Winston: You want to have the fanciest drawers in the relationship. Boom.

Cece: What are you doing?
Jess: I'm packing an overnight bag in case I have one-night sex. I've got a T-shirt, socks...
Cece: Is this a sewing kit?
Jess: Yes, it's a sewing kit. Stain remover. [sings] Hello?
Cece: You don't have one-night stands, you get way too attached. I mean, you could have an emotional connection with a shoe on the side of the road.
Jess: Oh, one shoe? I hate that.
Cece: Is this Schmidt's idea?
Jess: It's my idea. I want to try a one-night stand. Tonight... is all about what Little Jess wants. Little Jess.
Cece: Okay, all right. I am gonna text Kyle and tell him to meet us at the bar, because I'm not leaving you alone like this... with all of that.
Jess: [spraying perfume towards her crotch] I'm sorry, I don't know who's smelling what tonight.