Winston: Let's see. KXHD136.
Schmidt: You memorized the package tracking number, but you didn't know that you could use that number to track the package?
Winston: What?! 9:18 A.M. refused delivery? Did you refuse a package to Retired Rear Admiral Jay Garage-A-Roo?
Schmidt: Listen to what you just asked. Of course I did.
Winston: Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it, Schmidt! I am Retired Rear Admiral Jay Garage-A-Roo! It is my Secret Santa alias.
Schmidt: Oh.
Winston: Yeah. Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!

Schmidt: You would've been my nightmare. We were on very strict instructions from Rabbi Schmulie not to say a word until the last Christian kid found out about Santa Claus. Ruining Christmas, very bad for our brand.

Jess: Hey, Nick. Paul told me he loved me. Hmm. And I couldn't say it back, so I, um, said "Thank you," which was horrible. I don't know what to do because I am always the one who loves more. That's my thing. One time I went on a date and by 11:00 p.m., I gave the guy my ATM code.
Nick: What is your ATM code?
Jess: 42... Very funny. Very good try, but no.
Nick: Not a try... I got it. If you don't have feelings for Paul, you got to tell him.
Jess: I can't do that to someone on Christmas. And then it's New Year's. Then it's going to be Valentine's Day and then, whoa, it's Presidents' Day.
Nick: Hard to argue with that logic, but just tell him.

Schmidt: I hate Christmas. First of all, it means that Hanukkah is over. Second of all, I hate it when you guys leave and go home. When are you leaving?
Winston: Tomorrow at 3:00 p.m.
Nick: I think 4:00 a.m. Is that it? Schmidt, don't worry about it, man, we're all gonna hang out tonight at your office party. Please tell me you're not dressing up like Santa this year, are you?
Schmidt: I'm the only man in the office. Of course I'm gonna dress up like Santa. Look, I like it. I get all this dirt on my coworkers. They get drunk and they whisper what they want for Christmas in my ear, and then I use that information to subtly undermine them and control them for the rest of the year.
Winston: Ah, the true spirit of Christmas.
Schmidt: Winston, you'd better watch it, man, because I will take you down.
Winston: You want to go? You want to go?
Schmidt: You're gonna take me down? I had figure skating lessons until I was 13, and then my mom sobered up and realized I was a boy. Let's do this.

Nick: So why can't you figure out what to get your boyfriend Paul?
Jess: I don't know. Maybe 'cause we've only been going out for, like, a month, so I know it's not something fancy. But do I get him a gag gift or do I get him something sweet? I don't know.
Nick: Well, I think you got to figure out what you feel about him and then get a gift that reflects it. I think that's kind of the move.
Jess: My initial thought was to get him a gift certificate for piping hot sex.
Nick: Really... Oh, you're being serious?
Jess: But I don't want him to think that I'm using him for his body.
Nick: I'm sure he'd be okay with that.