Schmidt Quote #564
Quote from Schmidt in The Captain
Jess: What are you talking about? I mean, I don't care, but if I did theoretically.
Schmidt: Theoretically, I would tell you for-for a man whose midsection is basically mush, Nick has had a lot of sex. He's pushed that mush all over town. And you know what, he's got some very weird taste. Dark, real fringe stuff. He likes stuff that they don't even have porn for. And you know, a lot of women wouldn't think to do the Captain in-in bed.
Jess: What?
Schmidt: That was a mistake. I shouldn't have said anything.
Jess: What?
Schmidt: I didn't want to talk about the Captain. It was a thing, and I did and- Do you want a smoothie?
Jess: What's the Captain?
Schmidt: Well, it starts off with... [blender whirs] But you want to clean yourself up immediately. I mean immediately. And then you... [blender whirs] How comfortable are you with racial slurs? Then you... [blender whirs] That's basically it.
Jess: That's what Nick wants in bed?
Schmidt: Yeah, I know. Look, you're probably not up for it. It's my... It's my fault. It's very degrading, it's offensive, and you, you just don't have the time to learn all those dolphin sounds. Are you sure you don't want some of this smoothie? It's straw-bana.
New Girl Quotes
‘The Captain’ Quotes
Quote from Jess
Jess: What's wrong?
Nick: Nothing.
Jess: Uh-oh. Looks like we have a little Groundhog Day situation.
Nick: Please don't call it a Groundhog's Day situation.
Jess: Six more weeks of winter. Don't worry. Lie back. I'm gonna take care of this.
Quote from Nick
Nick: Stop! I have feelings. I didn't like when you did the Captain. It made me feel... bad.
Jess: Okay, I've I've never seen this sober before.
Nick: Stop, it's my turn. You talk too much and it frustrates me. Sometimes you talk even after you've fallen asleep. How do you breathe? Where do you get the words? But it doesn't matter, Jess, because I like you a lot. But maybe do that less, okay?
Jess: Nick, I just feel... Sorry. I'm so sorry. Just keep going.
Nick: I don't know. Um, I really like the instrument of the cello. I like the cello a lot, and I don't talk about it a lot but I should because I feel very passionate about it. It's a beautiful instrument. It's like a guitar but it stands up. I once saw a zebra named Gavin give birth at the zoo, and I cried hysterically. And then I bought one of those stretched out pennies that you can get to remember it and then I lost that and I cried again. Sometimes when I smell dust in like an attic or something, like that mothy, dusty, I think about my mother. When I was 14, I saw my mother change, and I saw her whole body naked without underpants on. I really like when a rap song uses a choir. It makes me feel really happy when all those ladies' voices come in and then the guy's rapping. I think it's awesome.
Quote from Nick
Jess: I don't trust him.
Nick: I know. It's Schmidt we're talking about. After he saw the movie Titanic, he started the Billy Zane fan club.
Jess: What?
Nick: Look it up. They're called the Zaniacs.
Jess: Why does that make me angrier than anything he's ever done?
Nick: I will handle this.
Jess: Okay. And I'm gonna test this cake because I'm so mad at Schmidt.