Bob Day: [on the phone] Hey, bub. What's the holdup? It's been six months since I gave you my blessing. When am I gonna hear my daughter cry? Huh? I think I deserve to hear my daughter cry.
Nick: Bob, I'm proposing tonight. I've been planning on doing it all along when we got back home to the loft.
Bob Day: The loft? You visit every possible romantic proposal spot on the planet, and you pick that dump?
Nick: Because it's where we met, Bob. Look, I've got a whole plan. I haven't told anybody. So I mailed the ring from Europe. So when we're looking at the mail, I'll say, like, "Check this one out. This one's from Turkey. You should open it, Jess."
Bob Day: You mailed my grandmother's ring from Turkey?
Nick: I hired an Au pair. He was going there, anyhow.
Bob Day: A male Au pair?
Nick: Yes, a boy Au pair.
Bob Day: Look, look, I better get a phone call tonight with the news that my daughter has a fiancé.
Nick: Bob...
Bob Day: I don't even care if it's not you. Okay?

Cece: "My name is Ruth Bader Parikh-Schmidt, and I am three today." Can you say that?
Ruth: Daddy's butt!
Cece: Close enough. Okay, but where is Daddy's butt? I got to get to the office.
Schmidt: Daddy's butt has been bleaching all outdoor playing surfaces. [removes face mask] You could prepare a chicken on that slide.

Jess: Because of a pending Justice Department investigation, I can't tell you why I left Banyon Canyon. But I can tell you European Jess is a lot more fun than State's Witness Jess.
Russell: It sounds to me like you need a job. You should come work for me.
Jess: I don't actually know what it is you do. God, I was a terrible girlfriend. Anyway, Nick and I leave for the South American leg of his book tour soon. In Peru, they call Pepperwood El Gumbo Federalé.
Russell: Wait, Nick? You're still together? I've been married and divorced twice since I last saw you.
Jess: Yeah, well, you know, we haven't been together the whole time. We've had ups and downs, and twists and turns, but about three years ago, we figured it out and we've been together ever since. Sometimes it just takes dating your cousin for things to really fall into place.