Nick: Honesty, I'm, uh, sorry I ki... You know what? I'm not. I'm not sorry that I kissed your girlfriend. 'Cause, first of all, she wanted me to! And it was fun. It felt great. And then we dated for a long time and that was fun. You were out of the picture, not even in her thoughts. It was a whole new thing. We just, we fell in love with each other, like crazy love... like, a lot of good memories, a lot of passion. A lot of good sex.
Jess: Nick.
Nick: We once tried to sneak into the Kids' Choice Awards, and we got in and watched a bunch of kids get awards. So, yeah.
Jess: Nick.
Nick: Topped... Okay. I have a fever of 103 and I'm talking to a chair and I'm not a great talk...

Schmidt: Every time she gets a job at a new school, she brings back kid germs that infect your filthy body. Don't get me sick.
Winston: Don't get me sick either, man. I got a date coming up, and I might get to mouth-base.
Nick: I'm not gonna get sick. No germ can live in a body that is 65% beer.
Jess: Nick, are you eating raisins from my purse? I confiscated those from a kid.
Nick: That explains why they're so sticky. [chuckles] Sticky Nicky eats anything and I don't get sick.
Schmidt: Nick, you have, like, 7,500 raisins all over your room. Why would you eat the...? [Nick sneezes] I knew it. I knew it.
Jess: That was so immediate.

Schmidt: Okay, let's make this quick. I need to work on my presentation. It's for a chair company, and it's tentatively titled, "I Hope You're Sitting Down for This." 'Cause it's chairs.
Winston: Yeah.
Schmidt: At which point you would laugh if you weren't so preoccupied with your date. Okay, Winston, what are you wearing?
Winston: Well, you know, I don't want to overthink it. It's just coffee, so...
Schmidt: So you're going to just dress like you did today, which apparently happened during a solar eclipse in a land of no mirrors.