Jess: I just need you to kidnap Shivrang so I can get Cece alone.
Winston: Roughhouse him a little bit, drop him off in the desert till he don't breathe no more?
Nick: What?!

Schmidt: Well, spoiler alert: Women are liars.
Nick: Yeah. Yeah.
Schmidt: They're supposed to want commitment, right? But then I offer it to them on a silver platter and they throw it back in my face like a comedy pie.
[flashback:]
Schmidt: I know this is awkward because we slept together, and I never returned any of your phone calls, so this might come as a shock to you, but... will you be my girlfriend?
Hot Girl #1: [sighs] Oh, God. I thought you had herpes. But no to the girlfriend, you dick.
[flashback:]
Schmidt: Do you remember two years ago when we were watching coverage of the BP oil spill and doing it during the commercials and then you asked me if I wanted a serious relationship and I laughed in your face? Well, my new answer... is yes.
[flashback:]
Schmidt: Be my girlfriend!
Woman: [screams]
Schmidt: What's that all about? [notices woman's groceries] Cream cheese in bulk?

Schmidt: Cece didn't give me a plus-one. How dare she not give me a plus-one. You can't invite an ex to a wedding and not give him the dignity of consolation sex. Girl better recognize. Schmidty gonna go get his plus-one.