Winston: Or... we could break into a zoo, steal a bear, then we shoot that bear full of Hep C, and then we release that bear in the restaurant right when they order dessert.
Schmidt: Winston, you're terrible at pranks.
Winston: I get that.
Schmidt: You don't think just a bear alone in a restaurant is enough?

Schmidt: I have an idea ... I'm gonna have the bartender send over two tropical cocktails. Jess will be all, "Why, thank you." Nick will be all, "Grandpa didn't get a face full of Japanese bullets just so you could drink a melted popsicle."

Nick: I mean, the sexual tension has been off the charts. It's like the wild west. No laws. Whiskey for a nickel. Whores caked in mud. I don't know what to do. You're always there when I need you, Tran. Thank you. I'm glad you got no life. I'm joking. Would you settle down? My father just died. I don't know, life's short, huh? It just kind of... I got to start doing things, Tran. Making moves, grown-up moves. I don't know, I want things. I want to, like, mow a lawn, you know, my lawn, in dark socks. What's my move with Jess? What would you do? Of course you would, you dirty dog. [laughs] Well, in reality, Tran, what would do if you were me? A date? What if that's not what she wants? What if she... oh! What if she...? All right, you're right ... no second-guessing. I got to be confident, I've got to be clear. Women like that. All right, I just got to say... Jessica, you are a beautiful woman, and my life has not been the same since I met you. And it would mean the world to me if you would, uh... go on a date with me.