Jess: Last night was horrible. Sam came over, we tried to make out, I stopped it, and then we just laid there like the old couple in The Notebook waiting to die.

Schmidt: Are-are you spelling it right? Two "G"s, silent "B."
Megan: Here's a picture of the whole family. And you are not in it.
Schmidt: Yeah, well, somebody had to take the picture, Megan.
Courtney: Just admit it. You're not a Romney.
Schmidt: Oh, I'm not a Romney? Would a non-Romney know this? That Ma and Pa never go to bed angry. That there are 16 grandchildren, Allie, Joe, Thomas, Gracie, Wyatt, Parker, Miles, Jonathan, Sawyer, Nate, Nash, Mia, Owen, Soleil, Nick and Chloe.
Megan: Those are just facts you got from the Internet.
Schmidt: I'm proud to be a Romney. Okay? I'm proud to have had a dad that was around when I was growing up. A dad that took me camping, a dad that spent Saturdays with me, throwing... throwing the football. A dad that gave me a wink when I left for prom night and said, "Be safe, son." When I think of a dad like that, I'm proud not only of the Romney name, but of this country. God bless Mitt Romney. God bless America.
April: It's a candid shot from the governor's biography. The caption says, "The whole family."
Schmidt: Nitpicking turns me off. You're all horribly unattractive to me. Tugg Romney, out.

Schmidt: Yeah, no, nobody gets rowdy like us Romney boys. Just a bunch of alphas, you know what I mean?That is, of course, unless we're fishing on Lake Winnipesauke. There's nothing that I love more than just getting out on the water with Dad, the freezing cold dawn, a couple of cold beers in hand. Having that one quick moment...
Courtney: Your dad doesn't drink. He's a Mormon.
Schmidt: Well, we don't drink the beers, Courtney. You know, we just buy them to support American breweries. Then we dump them in the lake. 'Cause we're Americans.