Schmidt: Damp! Damn it! Everybody ... bathroom now!
Jess: What's up, Dad?
Nick: What, Schmidt?
Schmidt: Is someone playing a joke on me? Honestly, why is my towel still damp?
Nick: 'cause it's not your towel. It's my towel, Schmidt.
Schmidt: No, it's not your towel. Your towel is the red one.
Nick: I'll tell you this, pal. I've never used that. I do use that one every single day.
Schmidt: Oh, God. [gags]

Schmidt: How do you think this is your towel? Do you even wash it?
Nick: No, I don't wash the towel; the towel washes me. Who washes a towel?
Julia: You never wash...?
Nick: You wash your towel?
Schmidt: You never wash the towel?
Nick: What am I going to do? Wash the shower next? Wash a bar of soap? You got to think here, pal.
Schmidt: I'm furious right now.
Nick: I get out of the damn shower, I'm clean as a damn baby, and I use the towel.
Schmidt: Let me ask you this. Have you been wearing my underpants?
Nick: Sometimes, yeah. Who cares? [Schmidt gags] You guys don't wear each other's underpants? You're lying. We all wear each other's underwear.

Schmidt: Ah! Damp towel! Damp!
Jess: Here we go...
Schmidt: It's like a really big Wet-Nap. Ah. I feel like I'm being licked by a golden retriever. Look at this bathroom. There should not be two girls in this bathroom. You're too humid. You make everything damp.
Jess: 80% of the products in here are yours.
Schmidt: Blah, blah, blah, yawn. Yes, I use sculpting chutney. Once I'm done with my chutney, back in the row it goes. Hair everywhere... The multicolored rubber bands. I'm fine with it. It's all okay with me. But a damp towel is where I draw the line.