Nick: It doesn't matter what I think, does it? 'Cause I don't have to have sex with him.
Jess: I do. I want to. I want to have sex with him big-time.
Nick: Great.
Jess: You heard me! Big-time! Okay? I want to take him down to Chinatown and slice him off a piece of this pumpkin pie, okay?
Paul: [to Winston] What is pumpkin pie?
Jess: I want to do all the things that you do in a bedroom, with him, okay? I want to do it standing up and sitting down, and half-up and half-down, and the wiggly one, and the Bear Attack, and the claws in the head, and the one the figure skaters do, and the What's For Lunch, and the... Give Me That Hat. Let's just say that I'm good. I'm really, really good. And I don't care what you think!

Schmidt: It's our thing, Jess. It's Dudesgiving.
Nick: Okay, no matter how many e-mails you send, that's not a thing.
Schmidt: It's real, man. It's totally real.
Nick: It's not real. We're not calling it that.

Nick: What is that?
Jess: I went to five grocery stores, and I got the last turkey in America.
Nick: No, Jess, we're not doing Thanksgiving, okay? We talked about this. We're just gonna watch football, drink beer and then we are going to Best Buy for Black Friday.
Winston: Or as I like to call it, "Friday."