Schmidt: Okay, so, uh, Nick and Jess asked the two of us to make a toast the night before their wedding.
Winston: But Schmidty and Winnie don't roll like that.
Nick: Uh-oh.
Winston: So why toast...
Both: When we can roast?
Nick: This is about to be really funny.
Schmidt: Okay, let's start with Nick. Now, I don't want to say Nick here is a lazy piece of human garbage with a flat ass and the writing talents of a brain-dead alcoholic.
Winston: [laughs] Because why state the obvious? [Schmidt and Winston laughing] Oh, my God. But in a real way, Nick sucks as a person, y'all.
Schmidt: That's right.
Winston: He really does.
Winston: But more importantly, his writing... also sucks! [Schmidt laughs] You know what they say: you put a thousand monkeys in front of a thousand typewriters...
Schmidt: One of them will be Nick, and he'll probably be writing The Pepperwood Chronicles.
Winston: [laughs] That's a dumb-ass book.