Schmidt: Cece, what the hell are you doing in here?
Cece: Surprise! [pictures clattering]
Schmidt: Cece, I love where your head's at.
Cece: Mm-hmm.
Schmidt: And I love where your body is at even more, but I-I can't.
Cece: What if I told you that I have the Star of David hidden somewhere on my body, and you have to find it?
Schmidt: Okay. Okay. All right, let's do it. But we got to do it really quick. I'm gonna stay dressed and just poke out like a cuckoo clock.

Nick: Sorry I'm late. There was a TV crew by the Staples Center, so I had to jump around behind the guy to get on TV, but the good news, I got on TV, so I think I'm gonna be on the news.

Schmidt: What do you got?
Nick: Here, I got this for you, man. You got some pants. Got a suit jacket.
Schmidt: You brought that suit?! It's a 62 short. I wore that to college graduation.
Nick: It was in your closet!
Schmidt: As motivation!
Nick: Here you go, Cece. It's a beautiful dress.
Cece: My wedding dress?!
Nick: Ah, it's your wedding dress? I knew it looked familiar.
Cece: 'Cause you were at the wedding!
Schmidt: You're a buffoon idiot.

Gordon Ramsay: Why are you sad?
Jess: I'm not sad.
Gordon Ramsay: Then what are you?
Jess: I'm mad!
Gordon Ramsay: There it is.

Winston: [answers the phone] Hey, Jess, what's up?
Jess: Winston, I'm not sad. I'm mad!
Gordon Ramsay: [eating his food] Bloody brilliant.
Winston: Okay. Cool. Thanks for the call.
Jess: I'm not letting you throw away your dreams, okay? You're proposing in that bus station bathroom, and I am going to help you. I'll meet you there in one hour, and I'm bringing the bobcat suit.
Gordon Ramsay: Bobcat suit?

Cece: Okay, she's not looking. Come on, let's go. We can go now, we can go.
Schmidt: No, don't move. If we move, we-- I'm-I'm fired.
Nick: She's not gonna get off this roof. I know how to handle this.
Schmidt: Are you out of your mind? You're just gonna materialize out of thin air on a rooftop?
Nick: Easy. I work here. I'm a window washer, and I finally got to the top floor. You don't like that one? How about this one? I'm a traffic guy, and I fell out of the news chopper.
Schmidt: What are you talking about?
Nick: All these work perfectly. I'll just pick my favorite on the way over.
Schmidt: Sit down, you nincompoop.

Winston: Okay. Yeah. It cleans up pretty nice. And this ring is perfect. How did you get Trevlo to come down on the price?
Jess: I don't think it's a legitimate business, and that's the real answer. Anyway, I got it done. [Winston chuckles]
Jess: Okay. I called the station, they're sending Aly down on a public disturbance call. Nice.
Winston: I'm nervous, but, you know, I'm really glad we are doing this, you know. If I didn't propose in a public bathroom while wearing a bobcat costume, I would have regretted it for the rest of my life.

Jess: Um, Aly, um, look at Winston, but listen to me. Um, fellas!
Choir: [sing] Alison...
Aly: What the hell?
Jess: Winston wanted a kids choir, but this is all we could get on such short notice. They're called Protect and Swerve.
Choir: Oh, Alison My aim is true...
Jess: "Aly, I'm in love with you. I love your face, your mind and your butt." Good opening, good opening. "As a young black man, I never thought I'd feel safe with a police officer. When I met you, I threw away all my shoes,
'cause they made me feel like I was walking on air."
Choir: I'm not gonna get too sentimental Like those other sticky valentines Ooh-ooh...
Jess: "You're the most amazing woman I've ever met, and I have something to ask you. But first, I'm gonna describe in vivid detail our first sexual encounter."
Aly: Oh, don't do that.
Jess: Okay, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not gonna read...
Winston: You know what we did.
Jess: Yeah. It's very long. Here we go, okay. Um, "I have a complicated relationship with God." No.

Jess: Here we go, okay. Um... "I don't think anyone on Earth gets to feel as proud [voice breaks] as I do just to call you my partner."That really got me. [sniffles] [crying] "And now I want to ask you to be my partner for the rest of my life."
Aly: You want to what-- You want-- Now you want to what?
Jess: I'm not sad! These are happy tears.
Winston: Jess, I got this.
Aly: What was that last-- Wh-What did she say?
Winston: [groans] Aly, the only reason I said no earlier is because I needed to show you how much I wanted to say yes. I want you to be my partner for the rest of my life.
Choir: Oh, Alison...
Winston: Officer Nelson... [Aly gasps] ...will you marry me?
Aly: Of course I will, Officer Bishop.
Choir: My aim is true...

Winston: Oh, hey, what you doing? We wasn't doing nothing!
Jess: I love the "Cupid Shuffle." Why'd you stop?
Cece: 'Cause, uh... This particular day...
Winston: Yeah, it's, like, romantic in nature.
Jess: Ugh, that stupid "sad single girl on Valentine's Day" cliché? Do better. I have a great day planned. I'm finally gonna use the celebrity chef dinner that I won at the auction. And before that, I'm gonna clean out my purse.
Nick: Dinner by yourself and cleaning out your purse?
Jess: Does that sound sad?