‘No Girl’
Season 5, Episode 4 - Aired January 26, 2016
With Jess sequestered for jury duty, Nick rents out her room to make money for Schmidt's bachelor party. Meanwhile, Winston turns to Cece for support when he suspects KC is cheating on him.
Quote from Nick
Schmidt: Do you have any idea the amount of bodily fluids that people let loose on vacation?
Nick: Brandon's a really good guy. He's just here to finish his novel.
Schmidt: I appreciate the effort, I do, but we don't need to go to... we don't need to go to Tokyo. Not for this. I'm not willing to turn our home into a public pool.
Nick: One: I understand your concern, and I'll make note of it.
Schmidt: You're not even typing.
Nick: Two: I already bought the tickets, and they're nonrefundable. We need to come up with $9,000.
Quote from Cece
Cece: You don't need Jess's bowl of advice, Winston, all right?
Winston: I really do, Cece. I mean, look. She's cheating on me. KC's cheating on me. Hmm. The same thing happened with Daisy. Everything's all good, then all of a sudden, she's hiding a basketball player in the shower and I own a cat! I'm in a cycle. I'm in a bad woman cycle.
Cece: She posts a picture with a hot guy, you post a picture with a hot girl.
Winston: That-that's great. That's perfect advice, Cece.
Cece: I know. Thank you very much. You're welcome.
Winston: If only I knew a hot girl.
Quote from Nick
Schmidt: Nick, let's just call Todd. Let's bite the bullet...
Nick: No, Schmidt, we don't need his money. Look at me. [Schmidt sighs] Schmidty, I'm your best man. And I may not be a rich man. The only thing my parents invented was a wand to push the buttons on the microwave from the table, so you don't have to get up.
Schmidt: You mean like a stick?
Quote from Schmidt
Nick: My point is, it's my job to give you the bachelors party of your dreams. And I intend on doing that. Why don't you close your eyes for me? What do you see when you see your dream bachelors party?
Schmidt: Sushi.
Nick: [chuckles] A lot of it.
Schmidt: Sake. Honor.
Nick: And no Todd, right? Look around. Is Todd there? 'Cause we don't need him. We can do this. I want you to look at me and tell me you believe we can do this. Do you believe, Schmidty? Do you believe? Schmidty? Do you believe?
Schmidt: I believe!
Nick: Do you believe?
Schmidt: I believe!
Nick: Yeah!
Schmidt: I'm gonna eat sushi off my own ass!
Quote from Nick
Cece: So you're just full-blown running a hotel now?
Schmidt: It's a boutique hotel, yes.
Nick: We are offering a premier experience in a competitive marketplace. Okay? And the reviews are everything. So grab a vacuum...
Cece: I'm gonna go take my 15.
Nick: It's not time for a break. You just started working.
Schmidt: It takes a staff to run...
Nick: There's no work ethic there-- how do you work...?
Quote from Nick
Schmidt: Okay, you just... stay there for a second, cowboy. Please. We're running a business here. We're running a hotel. No sex with the guests. You gotta focus, here.
Nick: Hey, you know this: I'm a businessman first.
Schmidt: Yes.
Nick: I'm a sex guy second.
Quote from Schmidt
Brandon: Sorry about that glass. [chuckles] I was in a zone writing, and I just...
Schmidt: It's just a glass, right?
Brandon: Yeah.
Schmidt: As a reminder, there are some plastic disposable cups, literally right there, so there's no need to rummage through the cabinets with your travelers' hands.
Quote from Schmidt
Brandon: [glass smashes] Oh! Nuts.
Schmidt: You weak-handed moron!
Nick: Hey!
Schmidt: Who also is our cherished guest here.
Brandon: It's just the weight of it. The liquid and the balance of it... I'm so sorry. I'll help clean it up.
Schmidt: No, please, let me clean it up. You keep writing.
Quote from Winston
Winston: Nick, I would just like to say that you had a vision for this hotel. I'd also like to say that I may die alone.
Nick: It could happen.
Winston: Yeah.
Nick: Be nice if you surprised us.
Winston: I'll try.