Nick: [whistles] Whoa, drug companies have a lot of money. Well, this is great. I feel like you finally brought me to your home planet.
Reagan: Yeah. I'm really glad you came.
Nick: All right. So tell me about these pharm reps I'm about to meet.
Reagan: I mean, I don't know what I can really tell you about them. We sort of became friends at these conventions, and we go from city to city with each other. It's kind of like camp friends? Except everybody's, uh, slept together a whole lot. It's exactly like camp friends, I guess.
Nick: All these people have had sex with each other?
Reagan: Mostly, yeah.
Nick: Mostly. And with you? You had sex with the... Yeah? Why wouldn't you?
Nick: Yeah. Oh, you guys are like groupies, but for yourself. I dig it.

Jack: So, Reagan, you gonna save me a pas de deux tonight?
Reagan: Okay. [laughter]
Nick: What's going on? What are you guys laughing at? I don't get the joke.
Lucy: Well, you do know that she was a professionally trained ballet dancer?
Nick: You never told me you were a ballerina.
Reagan: I sort of shattered both of my ankles in this thing I refer to as "The Crackening."
Nick: Your ankles? Like, both your ankles?
Reagan: And both of my knees and a little bit of my pelvis.
Nick: What?

Winston: You can salute me, too. 'Cause, uh, I'm also a cop.
Charmaine: What?!
Winston: Uh, uh, uh, I'm-I'm not a super successful morning radio shock jock.
Charmaine: There's no radio show?
Winston: No. I'm a... I'm an officer of the law.
Charmaine: What?!
Winston: That's not how you reacted when Aly said she was a cop.
Charmaine: Being a parent is like wearing your heart outside your body, and now you're telling me that my heart is on these streets by himself? Sampling drugs with a knife to see if it's really cocaine? My heart knows what cocaine tastes like?

Nick: These are the important talks.
Reagan: This is so unlike you. Why are you being the girl in this argument?
Nick: I don't know, Reagan. I don't know. But I do know you're being heteronormative. Okay? I know that word-- it's in the zeitgeist, and I know that word, too. I don't know why I'm acting this way.
Woman: [o.s.] If you're out there, Nick Miller, you're our raffle winner!
Nick: Well, I can't say I'm surprised. I did spend $190 on tickets. $200. I spent $250 on tickets. That's it. I spent over $300 on tickets.

Jess: "Deciding which house to go to for Thanksgiving, she was stuck in a real parent trap."
Bob Day: Enough. Enough. Enough.
Jess: Oh, you're right. This chapter's dragging. Let me move on.
Bob Day: Jess, please. I-I need my freedom. I need my judge shows, my fish sticks. My-my naked time.
Jess: Oh, please don't expand on that.
Bob Day: No, it's a good thing. Ashley showed me how to embrace my body. And I... every day, for about a half an hour, I walk around here naked. Fabulous.
Jess: Did you sit on this chair?

Nick: I also want to talk about the fact I've never been at my best sexually with you. I've been, like, a seven, but, at other times in my life, I've been an eight-and-a-half.
Reagan: Okay.
Nick: But you've only seen a seven. So you think of me as a seven in bed. But I'm an eight-and-a-half.

Charmaine: Oh. I need to tell you something.
Winston: No, no, just... let me go first. This job has given me so much. Purpose, pride, my future wife, CPR certification-- against my will, I might add, because I truly believe that it is witchcraft, but that's not the point. I have tried so many things. But being a cop is the first time I've ever felt a calling.
Charmaine: I'm proud of you. Yeah. I-I will deal with my fears. Um... but there's one more thing. [pulls out a police badge]
Winston: Oh, my God. Mom, you've been a cop this whole time?
Charmaine: No!
Winston: You're not a cop.
Charmaine: It was your dad's. He's a cop. Wherever the hell he is.
Winston: Wow. Um... You know, that's the first thing you ever told me about him.
Charmaine: So you know I got a lot of practice worrying about someone coming home. Maybe that's the reason I'm so overprotective with you. He left this behind, among other things. I just use it to get out of tickets. And one time I did use it for a discount on a... a rental car. Take it.
Winston: No, I don't want it. You're my dad. You're my mom and my dad.
Charmaine: I know that. And I'm not saying he's not a piece of crap, either. But you should have this.

Winston: [Australian accent] I like American football a lot. And you know who I like, I like that Tom Brady. Uh, I like the way he looks, I like the way he smells. [cut] Nick, shut up, man! I'm at... I'm at work. [cut] Mi-mi-mi, mi-mi-mi. Chacho. [deep voice] Chacho. [cut] This is traffic on the 12. Linda? "Move! Get your ass out the way! I'm trying to get to work on time." Linda, you okay? "I'm fine. "It's the reason why I'm late. I'm in traffic behind a damn Camry. If he don't move his ass out the way..." Linda, all right, that's enough of you. [laughs] PG-13.

Charmaine: Aly. You have seven identical stripe long sleeve shirts?
Aly: Yeah. I-I know it's strange. Um, it-it was a deal.
Charmaine: Oh.
Aly: Buy five, get two free.
Charmaine: You still got the receipt?
Aly: Of course I do.
Charmaine: BB Taxx has the same items, four for $20.
Aly: Wait. Are you a DDS?
Charmaine: DDS since '73.
Winston: What? Are you both secret dentists?
Charmaine & Aly: Deep discount shoppers.

Cece: [on the phone] Jess, are you okay? Honey, you just fled to your dad's house in Portland.
Jess: What I did was a very tasteful, very understated skedaddle so I could get some much needed space from Nick, and it worked. I'm fine.
Cece: So, you're coming back?
Jess: I would, but... Ashley's out of town, and the man doesn't do well without his wife. I can't in good conscience leave my elderly father here without someone to help him steam-clean his bowling trophies.
Bob Day: Hey, Jess. I think you should go home.
Jess: Shut up, TV! That was the TV. [hangs up on Cece]