Cece: What's going on?
Schmidt: Your friend is costing us Washington.
Jess: Why didn't you marry Shivrang?
Cece: Ruth, is that coffee?
Ruth: Yep.
Cece: Okay, there is a child here. I'm gonna take her to the bedroom right now so she can watch local news bloopers. I don't know why she likes them so much.
Ruth: They're blowing their big shot.

Winston: There is nothing to come clean about. Wait, aren't you 11 pages away from getting punched in the face?
Nick: Oh, just answer the question. Does or does not the evidence speak for itself? Do I need to refresh your memory, sir?
[voices over flashback:]
Nick: I didn't phone ahead to warn you of my arrival. I just thought it would be fun to surprise you at college.
Winston: It was fun.
Nick: Well, it should have been fun. A man in front of a computer...
Winston: I was checking my EarthLink.
Nick: With no pants on.
Winston: You know my bottoms run hot!
Nick: Tissues suspiciously close.
Winston: They were Doug's.
[present:]
Nick: Lotion. One sock.
Winston: Ashy elbows. Cold left foot.

Prosecutor: Detective, recess is over. We're ready for you now.
Winston: I wanted to pleasure myself, and this man helped me get there.
Nick: Aw, you did it on your own.
Winston: Oh, no, you helped me.
Nick: No, you did it on your own.
Winston: [laughs] Okay, I did it on my own.
Nick: Chicago.
Winston: Chicago.

Schmidt: You know what got her those three t-poles? Hippie-dippy mishegas.
Jess: Well, she couldn't cut a perfect circle without your cold-blooded demand for excellence.
Schmidt: Is it possible that after all of this time fighting, that, together, we're the perfect parent? I mean, look, you're sweet.
Jess: You're salty.
Cece: Excuse me, she lived inside of me, ya jerks.

Nick: Losing confidence?
Winston: Nick, what are you doing here, man?
Nick: I came to thank you. I got punched in the face, and I gotta say, it set me free. Check it out, man. 20 pages. And they're all good. Some of them are good. Five pages are good. I really like the title.

Cece: Look, I know it sounds crazy, but Lillypads was really magical. The kids wear uniforms and, you know, not to sound weird, but they look hot.
Jess: That sounds weird.
Cece: They did.
Schmidt: I hear you, I hear you.
Cece: They looked super hot.

Jess: Wait. Didn't you guys already look at a preschool?
Schmidt: [scoffs] You mean Triangles?
[flashback:]
Schmidt: Okay.
Cece: Ew.
Schmidt: Chicken.
Cece: Hmm?
Schmidt: I made eye contact with the chicken. He knows that I had eggs for breakfast. Take her. Take the pretty one.
Cece: I don't think that a chicken cares that you had eggs.
Schmidt: No!

Cece: Please don't start this again. You two have been arguing about how Ruth should be raised since the day she was born.
Schmidt: I'm sorry, I have to. Okay, if it was up to her, Ruth would have been born in a rusty tub in the Ladies Y. I'm not letting your hippie-dippie mishegas ruin Ruth's future. This child is a genius.
Ruth: Yay! [runs into the wall]
Cece: Oh!
Ruth: Whoa.
Schmidt: She does this all the time. Just give her a minute. She'll come to.

Ruth: Good-bye, Mr. Diarrhea-head.
Nick: Hey, do you have my money, Ruth?
Ruth: [groans]
Nick: Then we have nothing to talk about.

Cece: We just came back from Lillypads and we need your help.
Schmidt: We were picking up our paperwork when we ran into that supervillain/wax figure/ former best friend of mine, Benjamin.
[flashback:]
Benjamin: Have you gotten your kid ready for this interview yet? We got ourselves a 365 tutor, baby. Christmas, New Year's Eve, Fourth of July, we own this man's ass.
Cece: W-What are they getting tested on?
Benjamin: Draw a face. Cut a circle. Know colors. Make eye contact.
Schmidt: I'm sorry, hold on. I'm sorry, at three? How could a child... [tuneful melody] Is that your boy over there
playing the piccolo?
Benjamin: Oh, yeah. That's my seed, all right.
[present:]
Schmidt: I had to lay down. At which point, Benjamin's child started giving me shiatsu.
Jess: Oh.
Schmidt: Which is apparently another thing he knows how to do.