‘Jury Duty’
Season 5, Episode 3 - Aired January 19, 2016
Jess tries to get out of jury duty after she learns she's in line for a promotion. Meanwhile, without Jess's calming influence, tensions rise between Nick and Cece in the loft.
Quote from Winston
Cece: Let's get into this and see what sage wisdom Jess has for us. "No biting."
Nick: That's a reminder for me.
Cece: Mm-hmm. Wow. Ew, "No more poop pranks"?
Winston: Oh, yeah, those get out of hand quickly.
Nick: That was a disgusting February.
Quote from Schmidt
Cece: "If the shish kebob falls before I come back, Nick wins. If it falls after, Schmidt wins"?
Nick: Hi-ya! [laughter] Check it out, shish kebob. Check it out, yeah.
Cece: That's super gross. "Schmidt's allowed to request that you do his back with sunscreen once a week."
Schmidt: Actually, can someone do that now?
Winston: It's nighttime.
Quote from Nick
Cece: Hey, babe, do not get concerned. He's probably just tired or hungry, or getting jealous that I'm spending so much time with his best friend.
Nick: As a matter of fact, I am tired, and I am hungry, but the third thing is way off base. If you weren't a girl,
Cece: Uh-huh?
Nick: I'd karate chop you in the mouth.
Cece: You would get winded just trying to ball your fist up, dough-boy.
Nick: Well, good thing you don't need a fist for a karate chop, you stupid idiot.
Cece: You are such a door knob.
Nick: And if I wanted to karate chop you, you'd be dead! [laughs] Look at her flinch.
Quote from Nick
Cece: Look, Schmidt and I are not gonna work if you and I can't get along. Because... you're Schmidt's family. In a way, it's like we're engaged.
Nick: You're not my type. I like them crazier and... and sexually very prude.
Cece: Oh.
Nick: You just don't fit the bill. Look, you don't have to sign this thing. It's stupid. The last page is just obscene drawings of cartoon princesses.
Cece: I saw them; you're very talented.
Nick: Thanks. What they're doing is disgusting, but I think the drawings are nice.
Cece: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Nick: Look, if I'm being honest, yeah, I feel a little jealous. You know, Schmidt and I used to hang out all the time, and now we don't, and it's weird.
Cece: I mean, to be honest, I think I was a little... jealous, too.
Nick: Of me?
Cece: In a way, you're always gonna know him a little bit better than me. Except physically.
Nick: You'd be surprised.
Quote from Jess
Nick: Just make up an excuse and get out of jury duty, Jess. Please, I need you.
Jess: No, Nick. It's a right and a privilege. In South Africa, they don't even have juries. They have a-a judge and two assessors.
Nick: God, I would have bullied you as a kid.
Quote from Nick
Nick: Now that Cece and Schmidt are engaged, she's here all the time, and her stuff is everywhere.
Jess: Okay, yes, she's a hot slob. Ever since she got boobs, people stopped making her do stuff.
Nick: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that is not an excuse. When I first grew boobs, people started handing me stuff, and I got messy, but then you got to grow up.
Jess: Not the same thing.
Nick: They're just boobs.
Jess: I promise you, tonight when I get back from jury duty, I will explain it to her in a way that she'll listen to, unlike your way, where she'll rip your dingle off and sew it back on your head like a unicorn horn.
Quote from Cece
Cece: Jess, Nick needs to stop telling that wet pants story, okay?
Jess: I know.
Cece: I've heard it four times this week.
[flashback to the guys in the bathroom:]
Nick: So I take a hot glass out of the dishwasher, I pour cold water into it, then the customer picks up the glass, and the bottom falls off.
Schmidt: Oh, that's crazy.
Winston: For real?
Nick: He looks down, and he goes, like, [Italian accent]: "Oh, my pants are wet." [laughing]
[present:]
Jess: I know, he-he needs to shape that story.
Quote from Winston
Nick: Is it me, or is Cece really...
Both: Messy.
Winston: Yes. [scoffs] Dude. I love it when we say things at...
Nick: Same time.
Winston: The same time.
Nick: Just... just... we're right there s...
Winston: R-Right there s... Wait.
Nick: When we say things at the... same... time.
Winston: Same... time.
Nick: Okay, now you're getting in your head again. Just relax. Remember the thing about Cece being really...
Both: Messy.
Nick: And we say things at the same...
Winston: The same...
Nick: See, you're getting in your head because you're going quieter. Just go with your gut. [Winston groans] Isn't Cece really... messy?
Winston: This is fun. Messy.
Nick: 'Cause we say things at the same... time.
Winston: Time.
Nick: I'm done with you.
Winston: I had it.
Quote from Jess
Daniel Grant: Trying to get out of jury duty?
Jess: Excuse me?
Daniel Grant: The way you're dressed, like you're in a school play about old people. You want the judge to think you're crazy.
Jess: These are my real clothes, and I would never try to get out of jury duty. It's not just a right; it's also a privilege. And who are you to talk about clothes? You're just wearing a blue suit. Oh, call Milan. Notice I'm not calling Milan.
Daniel Grant: Wow. I'm sorry. I actually agree with you. Can we start over? Can I buy your coffee for you?
Jess: Herbal tea, and make it a big one.
Daniel Grant: You got it.
Quote from Nick
Jess: [answers phone] Oh, hey, Nick. I just met the other only person in America who cares about jury duty, and he's a gosh-damn dreamboat.
Nick: Jess, we have an emergency. Cece's washing her clothes, and I can't even get down the hall. She's built a laundry dam.
Jess: Well, can't you just step over it?
Nick: No time. You know I need to go straight from the bathroom to the kitchen. It's a blood sugar thing.