Winston: I need the phone for pictures.
Nick: I need it to watch the porn.
Winston: Use your phone.
Nick: It already started buffering. It's two minutes in.
Winston: It's buffering?
Nick: Take mine... and take pictures with that.
Winston: Makes sense. It's very smart, and that is why we are The Keepers of the Five Secrets.
Nick: Keepers of the Five Secrets.

Jess: Secret ballots are never really secret. You know that, right?
Schmidt: Okay fine. You got me. I voted nay. It would just be six people for too long. We would continue to be a married couple living with three roommates. You want to make it four, increasing our humiliation by 33%.
Jess: Mr. Miller has no interest in seeing you humiliated. And as such, I've been empowered to offer you the following.
Schmidt: I'm listening.

Jess: The motion on the floor is the same, with some riders, most notably... the Furguson Bishop, White Immersion Program. Um, four yays, one nay?
Nick: Who's this nay?
Jess: I asked you what you wanted.
Schmidt: And I voted yay.
Winston: That was about the vote? I thought y'all just wanted to get to know me better. I was already a yay.
Nick: Well, that's everybody. Who's left?
Jess: Parikh, prepare to be buttonholed.

Winston: You see, I think this is the tub where Daddy bathes the Soviet dissident. And this has to be the window seat where he spanks the Aztec twins.

Nick: So many close-ups. It's so frustrating. I mean, for our purposes of today. You know, mostly when they cut to wide I'm thinking why the hell are you showing me the room? But now I want to see the room. I don't want to see the close-ups.
Winston: Well, there's only one thing left. [phone chimes] Search the locations manager for the 1971 adult film Daddy's Longleg.
Nick: Very smart.
Female Voice: [chimes] Searching now.
Winston & Nick: [bow] Secrets.

Nick: It doesn't matter who voted nay. The message is clear, somebody doesn't want Reagan in the loft. So who cares who did it? Let's move on.
Jess: Who is that person? I hate that person.
Nick: Also, maybe somebody realized moments before the vote that, if you think about it, my bed... it-it tilts west. And so she could roll off the bed in the middle of the night, and on the floor, and my floor tilts east...
Jess: Nick.
Nick: Which means she could roll under my bed and be lost forever.
Jess: Did you vote nay?
Nick: Yeah, of course I did. I don't know what I want. I'm confused.

Jess: Do you know how anything works?
Nick: I know you whipped and you buttonholed and you swing-setted your tail off to get all these votes.
Jess: Who did I swing-set?
Nick: Once I got the votes, I panicked. Because I realized that now I have to ask her, and what if she says no? Or worse, what if she says yes, moves in with me, and then regrets it?
Jess: I wish we'd had this conversation at the beginning of the day, but yeah, I mean, I get it, it's scary.
Nick: Well, tell me I'm wrong to be scared. You know, tell me I should vote yay.
Jess: Nick, I whipped everyone's votes. I'm not gonna whip yours. But whatever you decide, I support you. We all do.
Nick: If I vote yay, all that means is is that I can ask her. Emphasis on "can." And that I don't have to. Emphasis on "have."
Jess: Wow. Well, no one loves parsing more than I do, and even I find this tedious, but... yes.
Nick: All right, slide me over.

Jess: Whoa, is this wall just sticky, or is it... magnetic?
Nick: We have got to get a magnetic wall. We will never buy another coil of wires connected to a battery again in our lives. It'll pay for itself in a week. [scoffs]

Winston: Okay, Roughstuff Productions referred me to their former subsidiary Tick Tock Erotica, LLC, which split from Roughstuff back in '09. But here's the thing. Tick Tock is in the app space now, but they still use the same headhunter. And they still had the number for a Mr. Mort Capaco, locations manager, Daddy's Longleg.
Nick: Did he know where they shot it?
Winston: He did not.
Nick: All right, we've got to give up a secret. The only question is who breaks the news.
Winston: I'll break the news if I get to pick the secret.
Nick: Deal. But I really recommend that you tell him about...
Both: Halloween 2004.
Winston: That's what I was gonna say.
Both: [bow] Secrets exchanged.

Jess: Hey, did you ask Reagan?
Nick: I've decided to ask her, but I haven't asked her yet. I don't know how to. All I've got right now is, "Hey, Nickname"... that's what we're calling each other until we can think of something better. Uh... and after that, I'm a little stumped.
Jess: Well, why do you want Reagan to move in? Because I want to spend a lot of time with her, and if she moves in, I'll be able to spend more time with her.
Schmidt: Well, if she moved in, how would that make you feel, Nick?
Nick: I'd feel honored.
Winston: Honored or happy?
Nick: Both.
Jess: And what's your name?
Nick: My name is Nick.
Winston: Probably could've got that on my own.
Jess: Noted.
[Winston shows a text message to Reagan on Nick's phone: "Hey Nickname, I'm excited to spend time with you and I want to spend as much time with you as possible. How would I feel if you moved in? Honored and Happy. Nick."]
Nick: Wow. I mean, that's perfect. And it's already on my phone. But there's just some things I want to agonize over out loud with you guys.
Winston: And send.
Nick: I wanted to agonize, I said I needed to agonize...