Jess: You're only short two votes. I can get you two votes.
Nick: You can do that?
Jess: Can a shark ruin a family vacation?
Nick: No.
Jess: I mean if it bites someone.
Nick: Maybe, then yeah.
Jess: Maybe?
Nick: It depends on the vacation, but yeah.
Jess: Can a puppy make a baby smile?
Nick: I mean, there's a lot of factors.
Jess: Just...
Nick: Depends on... Thanks for helping is what I meant to say.

Winston: Hey, Nick. Sorry about the vote.
Nick: I don't want to talk about it.
Winston: Cool. I need your help with a situation.
Nick: There is no situation you could possibly describe compelling enough to get me to want to help you.
Winston: Schmidt and Cece's house was the location for the 1971 pornographic film, Daddy's Longleg.
Nick: Okay, maybe there's one situation. I'm 100% in.

Nick: So we're at maximum capacity. So what do we do?
Winston: Okay, so pornographic house has to go into the vault.
Nick: Agreed.
Winston: So what do we declassify? Jalapeño 19?
Nick: Jalapeño 19? No way.
Winston: Uh... Duck, Duck, Gavin?
Nick: Oh, Duck, Duck, Gavin has to stay a secret.
Winston: I would love to keep Upper Deck Timeshare between us and the guy we paid off.

Jess: As a symbolic gesture, Reagan cannot list the loft as her official residence.
Nick: Where will her mail go?
Jess: A P.O. Box.
Nick: Oh, yeah. All right, keep going.
Jess: When asked where you live, you and Reagan will say the following. "Geez, beats us. We're just dumb kids living paycheck to paycheck. Thank gosh for our upwardly mobile friends Schmidt and Cece, and the three guest rooms in their loft. We're crashing with them until we get our lives together and we remain there at their pleasure."
Nick: Do I have to memorize all that?
Jess: No, you can just read it from the toilet paper. [Nick sighs] And finally... you will allow Schmidt to buy you one pair of jeans. Oh, he's serious.

Jess: Winston would like you and Reagan to spend a mutually agreed upon amount of time as a couple with Ferguson.
Nick: We're talking about the cat?
Jess: The only couples that Ferguson knows are interracial. And while Winston views this as progress, he knows that it's not an accurate portrayal of... the world.
Nick: You even think that cat knows Winston exists?
Jess: Definitely not. Next, Winston would like to be the first person to see you in your new jeans. And he will see you under these circumstances, and these circumstances only: descending a grand spiral staircase, as Winston waits at the bottom, weeping with pride, holding your new belt.
Nick: He wants me to go upstairs without a belt. Some... We rent a really nice mansion.
Jess: Hey, you could do it, like, a museum...
Nick: I'm not going to a public place and doing this with him.
Jess: Do you want the yays or not?
Nick: I need the yays.

Jess: I want you to know I'm gonna be fine, okay?
Cece: You promise?
Jess: I promise.
Cece: Okay, all right, I'll vote yay. If Nick and Reagan aren't physical outside of their room. I'm sorry, but I have to protect you a little, okay, so just deal with it.
Jess: That's a really great rider, Cece.

Cece: Next time you don't like one of my suggestions, just tell me.
Schmidt: I don't like your suggestions.
Cece: Okay, well, then you suggest something, and then I suggest something, and eventually we reach a compromise. So let's try it. Let's try it with the cabinets. I suggest a lighter wood, like birch.
Schmidt: Absolutely not. [off Cece's look] I mean... [clears throat]
Cece: Mm-hmm.
Schmidt: I suggest a darker wood, like walnut.
Cece: So now we try to find something in the middle, like, how about oak? [Schmidt shakes his head] That's fine, that's fine, I'm willing to go darker. Cherry? Mahogany? Walnut?
Schmidt: I love that suggestion!
Cece: It was your suggestion. It's not a compromise.
Schmidt: Okay, fine, birch.
Cece: No! That was my suggestion. That's still not a compromise.
Schmidt: Now you're confusing me!

Winston: Schmidt, I need to tell you something unpleasant about some candy you ate.
Schmidt: What?
Winston: Many years...
Nick: It was shot in Seattle. Daddy's Longleg was shot in Seattle.
Jess: What's Daddy's Longleg?
Nick: A pornographic movie Winston and I really like. You don't have to worry about it.
Winston: Because... it was... not filmed in your home. So congratulations!
Cece: Wow, we did it, honey.
Schmidt: Was that in question?

Schmidt: Who is ready to strip?
Winston: You see you mean strip wallpaper at your new house, but me, myself, I always err on the side of sexy. [moans]
Jess: [wolf whistles]
Schmidt: Okay.
Nick: You were up there a long time, man.
Jess: Yeah, I was running out of imaginary dollar bills.

Jess: Winston, thoughts?
Winston: Hmm? I'm in. I'm sorry. I was just distracted by how big this loft is.
Nick: First time you ever thought about it?
Winston: I'm gonna go look for echoes. Hello.
Jess: Hello.
Winston: Oh, my God! You guys hearing this?
Jess: You guys hearing this?
Winston: Ha! Oh, my God!
Nick: [to Jess] Stop. He'll go all day.