‘Fancyman, Part 2’
Season 1, Episode 18 - Aired March 27, 2012
Jess goes on a date with Russell (guest star Dermot Mulroney). Schmidt doesn't like the way Cece views their relationship. Winston regrets telling Shelby they could both use some space. Meanwhile, Nick's professor friends takes him to a college party.
Quote from Cece
Schmidt: It's been two hours. This is officially crazy. Also, I have to go to the bathroom.
Cece: Just pee yourself.
Schmidt: So you'd rather sit in my urine for the rest of the car ride than admit to Winston that we're sleeping together?
Cece: Yep, absolutely. Don't even have to think about it. I don't want to ruin what we have, okay? Because if people find out, they're gonna have a lot of questions, like, "Cece, why are you sleeping with him?" And, "Seriously, why?"
Schmidt: You think we have something to ruin?
Cece: Earlier, I was dressed as a sex-cretary. And I was wearing shoulder pads. So I obviously must like sleeping with you.
Schmidt: A secre-tarty.
Cece: Shut... up.
Quote from Winston
Border Guard: Are you traveling with any non-US citizens?
Winston: [laughs] You actually catch people with that line? No, sir, just me and my American heart... full of love.
Border Guard: Then how do you explain... this?
[The border guard opens the trunk to reveal Schmidt and Cece]
Winston: I can't... sir. No one in the entire world can explain that.
Quote from Winston
Winston: [sings] It's time to try defying gravity I think I'll try defying gravity
Quote from Jess
Nick: Look, Dirk's a good guy. He was my roommate when I was in law school. Smartest guy I know.
Jess: So, he's a lawyer?
Nick: No, he's not a lawyer, but he does have a law degree, a business degree, and a master's in agriculture. He's kind of like a degree collector. He's got his PhD in poetry, so...
Jess: That sucks for poems.
Quote from Jess
Nick: How'd it go with Fancyman? It was an amazing first date, except for one awkward part at the end.
[flashback:]
Jess: I don't go on dates very often. Guys my age always want to skip the date and just go right for the gold. Which I don't give them because I'm stingy with my gold. Unless they dig for it.
[present:]
Jess: I haven't even gotten to the awkward part yet.
[flashback:]
Jess: [Russell leans in towards Jess] Oh, hi. [Russell pats her on the shoulder]
Man: Black sedan?
Russell: Uh, yeah.
Jess: [quietly] What?
[present:]
Jess: So, he patted me on the back. I thought I'd at least get a front pat. Whoo-ha!
Quote from Winston
Shelby: I hate bachelorette parties. I have, like 50 different penis items in my carry-on. This plane goes down, there's gonna be some sharks doing some really weird stuff.
Winston: Sharks? I thought you were going to Vegas?
Shelby: No, I'm going to Mexico. I thought I told you that. Well, if you don't want me to go, I don't have to go.
Winston: No, no, no, no, no, no, I want you to go. It'll be good, you know? We spent the last five nights together. I mean, you know, we both could use some space.
Shelby: Right.
Winston: Did I say something wrong?
Shelby: What? I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you across all the space.
Quote from Jess
Jess: Well, what do I do? I really, really want to see him again, like, badly.
Cece: You just call him.
Jess: I can't. He's too sophisticated. He told me he'd run with the bulls, and I quote, "not the touristy bulls in Pamplona."
Cece: Big deal. Just call him.
Jess: Schmidt says the moment a woman touches a phone, she loses her power unless she's sexting, in which case, she gains a half power.
Cece: Okay, well, that's Schmidt just talking... I mean, what does Schmidt know? Look, all the guys that you live with ... boys. You've only dated boys. Russell is a grown man, and I bet he likes women who know what they want and ask for it.
Jess: He has a hot air balloon in a hangar in Palm Springs.
Quote from Cece
Cece: I have that team-building research you asked for, Mr. Schmidt.
Schmidt: [screams] What... are you wearing?
Cece: I don't... I don't know. I mean, I found this at the lost and found at the gym. I'm not really sure how sexy a sex-cretary is supposed to be. I've never had to do this. I've never had to seduce somebody before.
Schmidt: If you're gonna seduce me, don't dress up like my aunt Frieda at Seder.
Quote from Winston
Winston: No flights tonight. Hey, Schmidt, do you mind if I borrow your car again? "Of course you can, Winston. You're so great." Thank you!
Quote from Nick
Dirk: Skyler, Miriam, come over here for a second.
Nick: Don't humiliate me, Dirk.
Dirk: How cool is my friend, Nick?
Miriam: Are you a professor, too?
Nick: No, no, no, I'm a bartender. 30 years old, I don't have health insurance.