Nick: Nah, he's a good guy, he's a good guy. Salt of the earth. It's more about what's unsaid, you know? What it comes down to at the end of the day is respect. And I have it for him and he has it for me.
Schmidt: Interesting. So Mr. Jason doesn't respect me?
Nick: Oh, God, no.
Schmidt: Hmm.
Nick: I mean, Schmidt, I love you, but... but you're not a man of the people.
Schmidt: Of course I'm not a man of the people... I'm above the people. I want the people to build things for me.
Nick: And that's where I come in.
Schmidt: I can't rely on your... crass Chicago street smarts forever. I'm a homeowner, and I'm a husband, and hopefully, one day I'll be a father. If he's not gonna respect me, then I need to become someone that he will.
Nick: That sounds a little scary. Who-who are you looking to become, Schmidt?
Schmidt: You.

Nick: What'd I tell you? They're putting the electrical in.
Schmidt: Ta-da!
Nick: Don't say ta-da around these guys. And why are you wearing my clothes?
Schmidt: I'm you.
Nick: You are making this way creepier than it needs to be. But let's work on your stance, okay?
Schmidt: Okay.
Nick: You're gonna want to adjust your pants a lot, like watch me. Like this. Just like looking around, checking it out, adjust your pants; try it. Just do it normal, just do it normal. Don't make that face. Regular face. If you're gonna do anything with your shoulders, it's this. Just relax... No. You're doing this... Don't do that here. It's like this... Okay, let's try something else. I think you-you need to slouch a little bit, 'cause all these people have back pain.
Schmidt: Look, I'm sorry that I have good posture. I'm not on my hands and knees all day slapping hot tar on a roof. I'm sitting in an ergonomic office chair like a frickin' gentleman.

Nick: So, here's a way to give a compliment. It's... you insult somebody, that's a way to show affection. Like, hey, you ugly piece of crap, you got humongous ears.
Schmidt: So you're too insecure to show affection, so you do the opposite.
Nick: And if you're ever in a pinch, and the moment's getting on top of you, just mention the game. [whispering] You got this, man. You got this.

Schmidt: You know what's crazy? Not only did I get Mr. Jason to respect me, but I think I learned to respect him a little bit, too. I like the people; so wild and lazy.
Nick: If you want, I could take you to the store I get my jeans. It's actually just a Mexican supermarket.

Cece: What is happening? What are we doing here?
Winston: How was the date? Tell us everything.
Jess: Babs was a real catch, I drank too much hallucinogenic wine, um, screwed everything up with Robby, and now I'm at a... Greek rave. There's a rotisserie in the back if you're hungry.
Cece: Honey, what is this about? Are you really that scared of getting hurt?
Jess: I'm not afraid of how it's gonna end. I'm afraid of how it started. Like, I've been so hesitant from the beginning. Like, I need to be convinced. Just, there's no love story called Hemming and Hawing.
Winston: Actually, there is. Jose Canseco self-published it on the Internet. It's about a lamb that marries a CEO.

Jess: So they call our names and we can't decide what song to sing.
Robby: I want to do Journey, of course. And Jess wants to Adele.
Jess: Of course.
Reagan: We can't decide.
Jess: Hail Mary... we decide to do The Doors! And we bring the house... [laughing] down. [they high five]
Nick: Oh, that's the end?
Jess: Yeah.
Schmidt: Riveting.
Winston: I like the story. You know, The Doors? Man, that's a nice white group.

Robby: Sorry about that, Jess.
Jess: Why are you sorry?
Nick: [mouth full:] The boat lady was hit... [normally] The boat lady was hitting on him. Right in front of you.
Jess: So? I don't own him. He's not the box set of Felicity.

Jess: Ooh! Officer and a Gentlemen!
Robby: Yes. Nice. Um, Die Hard 2! I truly love pre-movie trivia.
Jess: Me, too, and I love seeing the local advertisements. I like knowing who's hot in the teeth-whitening game.

Cece: Wait, so Robby has a date? That was so fast.
Jess: The man didn't waste any time. But you know what? It's okay, 'cause I'm dating, too.
Winston: But you aren't, though. Your guy's fake.
Nick: Can we come back to Robby designing factories?
Schmidt: The man is an enigma. He's my second best friend, and I know nothing about him.

Jess: Honestly, playing the field sounds really exciting to me. You know, going to strange places with strange men. Sign me up for that.
Winston: You know, that certainly sounds like you, Jess.
Cece: You know what, you should just start right now. There's a lot of guys here. You should go and... talk to one.
Jess: At a construction site?
Cece: We... support it.
Jess: Okay, I can't tell if you're mocking me... but fine, I'll go have a look around.