Jess: [answers phone] Dr. Foster, is everything okay?
Dr. Foster: J.D.? It ain't. I decided I was gonna be Marcus the Meerkat, because, you know, you and I have remarkably similar body shapes.
Jess: Okay. Um, what's the problem?
Dr. Foster: I fell and shattered my hip.
Jess: Oh, God! I'm so sorry. How bad is it?
Dr. Foster: The, uh, paramedic described my left leg as a skin bag full of hip shards? A skin... a skin bag full of hip shards. You're gonna have to take over my duties. We are talking about the big job: acting principal.
Jess: Yes! I'd love to! Oh... but my number just got called.
Dr. Foster: Well, that means the district's gonna be bringing in Becky Cavatappi.
Jess: Ugh!
Dr. Foster: They've been pushing her for my job.
Jess: She has fake zoomers. What kind of message does that send to girls with growing zoomers?
Dr. Foster: I think she had her butt done, too. Every time she runs, that thing sounds like an Indian rain stick.
Jess: I really want to be principal, so, um... I'll be there. Uh, I'll just have to, uh... get out of jury duty.
Dr. Foster: I'll talk to you soon! [shrieks in pain]
Jess: [to a photograph of President Obama] Sorry. It's a tense situation.