Quote from Schmidt in The Captain
Jess: What are you talking about? I mean, I don't care, but if I did theoretically. Schmidt: Theoretically, I would tell you for-for a man whose midsection is basically mush, Nick has had a lot of sex. He's pushed that mush all over town. And you know what, he's got some very weird taste. Dark, real fringe stuff. He likes stuff that they don't even have porn for. And you know, a lot of women wouldn't think to do the Captain in-in bed. Jess: What? Schmidt: That was a mistake. I shouldn't have said anything. Jess: What? Schmidt: I didn't want to talk about the Captain. It was a thing, and I did and- Do you want a smoothie? Jess: What's the Captain? Schmidt: Well, it starts off with... [blender whirs] But you want to clean yourself up immediately. I mean immediately. And then you... [blender whirs] How comfortable are you with racial slurs? Then you... [blender whirs] That's basically it. Jess: That's what Nick wants in bed? Schmidt: Yeah, I know. Look, you're probably not up for it. It's my... It's my fault. It's very degrading, it's offensive, and you, you just don't have the time to learn all those dolphin sounds. Are you sure you don't want some of this smoothie? It's straw-bana.