Jess: I have to run upstairs for a sec. I have it on good authority my bed has disappeared. I need to go check it out. I got to head up there and take care of that.

Nick: Doesn't sound good. Oh, Jess. That sounded terrible.
Jess: The absinthe has found a new host. The toilet.

Nick: You think you know everything about me. I'm a rock and roll guy.
Jess: You are the guy who asks me to light matches for you 'cause you're afraid your fingers are gonna get too hot.
Nick: I did that one time.
Jess: Multiple times.
Nick: I was on the back of a motorcycle earlier, and I wasn't even that scared.

Robert: I though you guys just needed directions, okay? Let me out!
Schmidt: Okay, sir, just calm down, all right?
Robert: Oh, please, man.
Schmidt: Be cool.
Robert: Fine, okay, look, you want it? You want it? Look!
Winston: Whoa! No!
Schmidt: Oh my God, no!
Robert: Look, my wallet.
Winston: No! No!
Robert: Take my wallet! Here's my wallet, okay?
Winston: Shoot the white dude! Just let me out... Shoot him!
Schmidt: No, don't shoot me!
Winston: Shoot him, man!

Schmidt: But that's... That's your wallet.
Robert: That's your wallet.
Schmidt: Are you not robbing us?
Robert: You're not robbing me?
Schmidt: I don't want to rob you, man.
Robert: I thought you were gonna...
Winston: I totally misread the situation. I thought you was robbing me.
Robert: Oh, no, man.
Schmidt: Oh, hey, man, I'm Schmidt.
Robert: Robert, man.
Schmidt: Robert.
Robert: Nice to meet you.

Angie: Believe it or not, I'm working on stuff, too. You know, I just wish I was working on less stuff. You know, I've been arrested three times. Four times. Four to five times. I have tattoos of bands that I don't even like anymore. By the way, you've been really cool about the "Jamiroquai" tattoo on my butt.
Nick: I'm not asking you to change. Just how about meet me in the middle a little bit?
Angie: What do you want me to do? Go to brunch? Are we supposed to, like, read articles and then talk about them together? Okay, I'm never going to be that kind of girl.
Nick: I just want to do something normal. How about not drawing pubes on my armpit while I'm sleeping? You think you could do something like that?

Nick: Hey, the potato salad's accidentally in the garbage. Look at that. You guys mind if I eat this in the back seat?
Jess: You can eat salad in my back seat anytime. Didn't mean that to be sexual.