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Big News

‘Big News’

Season 3, Episode 21 -  Aired April 15, 2014

Jess and Nick decide not to let their break-up ruin Winston's celebrations after he gets into the police academy.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: What are you doing back there?
Cece: Thought it was about time I graduated high school. Mmm.
Schmidt: I'm proud of you.
Cece: That's it? No snide comments?
Schmidt: I've got legions. But I'm gonna be supportive. "Legions" means "a lot."
Cece: I know what "legions" means.

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Quote from Schmidt

Cece: Anyway, I probably won't even take the test. I failed the last five practice exams. So that seems like a bad sign.
Schmidt: Of course you're failing. You're studying here in a rowdy tavern. Chumbawamba's playing, it's not even "Tubthumping." You're writing with what looks to be a golf pencil. Where are your flash cards? Do you not have o-one single flash card? There's maraschino goo everywhere! You don't have a flash card? I'm taking over. You need a tutor. Yes, I'll do it.
Cece: You realize I have a boyfriend, right?
Schmidt: Oh, the hunky Australian boy? Congratulations. Cece, this is about your education. Nothing more.
Cece: Mm. He's actually from Perth, so...
Schmidt: Perth is in Australia, Cece. We'll start with geography.

Quote from Coach

Nick: I just feel like I'm falling apart. Like, my brain feels like spaghetti. And my future feels like a dark hole that I can't stop falling down.
Coach: You can't show her this pain. Or she'll freak out and it'll be over, okay? I wish someone would've told me that when Malia and I broke up.
[flashback:]
Coach: [crying] Malia, I'm in pain and I want you to know! [sobbing] I want to get this pain out of my body! [retching] I haven't seen her since.
[present:]
Coach: I still read her e-mails, though. Every day.
Nick: Every day.
Coach: Every damn day.
Nick: Every day.

Quote from Jess

Nick: Okay, uh, tonight's Honey Roast, we're gonna keep it sweet, keep it positive, and most of all, we're gonna keep it cute. Am I right, Furguson? [Jess is drinking] Hope that cat's not driving.
Coach: How is a cat costume just lying around?
Cece: She has four of them.
Jess: I'm drinking a "Catbernet." [Nick laughs]
Winston: That's pretty good. That's pretty good.
Jess: A Pinot "meowoir" Meow-oi-rr. If I have one more of these, you're gonna have to point this old kitty in the direction of my litter box because I'm gonna need to find it.
Winston: Mm, let's keep it cute, guys.
Jess: 'Cause I'm gonna have to pee.

Quote from Winston

Nick: Speaking of cute, Winston Bishop is so cute...
All: How cute is he?
Winston: How cute am I?
Nick: Teddy bears buy Winston for their kids.
Winston: That was good. That is exactly how cute I am.
Schmidt: Horrible visual.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Winston is so cute, he once met a Japanese gal named Ariko, and she started wearing him as a backpack! [both laugh]
Winston: Boom! Ooh! I did not see that one coming! Oh, my!
Coach: I didn't expect it either.
Cece: Surprise ending!

Quote from Jess

Winston: Getting a little mean. [laughs] Time to add some honey.
Jess: Who's in the house? Coach is in the house. What-what? What's up, Coach? You have so many sweatpants, you need to buy normal pants. [Nick laughs] Cece here. You guys know Cece. Your hair's so long.
Nick: Well, you're basically busted.
Coach: Good one.
Cece: That was good. That was really a good one.
Jess: Schmidt.
Schmidt: Jess, please, don't. I'm very fragile right now.
Jess: Your head's so big. [laughing] That actually wasn't that bad.
Nick: You got a big-ass head, dude!

Quote from Jess

Jess: What can I say about Nick that hasn't already been said?
Nick: Oh, here we go.
Jess: Nick calls birds "wind mice."
Nick: Think about it.
Jess: Nick says "Yahtzee" when he climaxes.
Nick: Oh, boy.
Jess: He calls turtles "shell beavers."
Nick: Well, that's what they should be called.
Jess: They're green. Beavers are brown.
Nick: Definitely. We've had this argument and we have agreed to not talk about it in front of others.
Jess: But you know the worst, worst, worst thing about Nick?
Coach: You don't have to say it.
Cece: Mm-mm, mm-mm.
Jess: He's okay. He's okay. And I am not okay. [sniffles] I'm not okay.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Guys, in light of what's been going on, I will be postponing the Honey Roast until tomorrow night.
Nick: Okay.
Coach: Ah!
Cece: No.
Coach: No way.
Schmidt: Not doing this.
Winston: We could say everybody come back...
Jess: Sorry, Winston.
Winston: Everybody come back the same time, so then you guys all get to wear white.

Quote from Jess

Jess: [answers phone] Hi, again. I'm watching Dirty Dancing.
Nick: I know. I've heard all three screenings. I just don't understand how Penny got in trouble.
Jess: Well, you know, it was a different time.
Nick: Who wins in a fight? Swayze from Dirty Dancing or Swayze from Roadhouse?
Jess: I think, uh, To Wong Foo Swayze would win.
Nick: [on the phone] Jess, this is really hard. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to call you. It's like a riddle.
Jess: I know! I don't know where to change or where to sleep or where to go to the bathroom. Well, I know where to go to the bathroom. But you know, the social component.

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