Cece: Oh, my God. "Shivrang's Shiv"? You got your idiot roommates to kidnap my fiancé to take a picture of his penis?
Jess: Well, you were freaking out!
Cece: Well, see...
Nadia: Three more weeks of winter.
Cece: Oh, my God.
Akita: What are you doing?
Jess: Get out! Sorry. I'm so sorry. I immediately regret that.
Akita: Show me!
Jess: Okay.
Akita: [laughs] You are scared because you haven't seen your future husband's manhood? Where I come from, women cry about this for days. [giggles]

Cece: I'm so sorry they made you do it.
Shivrang: Oh, it's okay. Actually, it wasn't mine.
Jess: What?!
Cece: What?!
Jess: Whose was it?
Nick: [clears throat] It was mine.
Jess: What?! No way!
Nick: Yeah, it was, uh... Those were my privates.
Jess: Are you serious?
Nick: I'm serious. Give me my phone. I want it back now. I have a Dead Dad Pass. I have a Dead Dad Pass!
Jess: No! No! It's my property!

Schmidt: What is going on here? And why is Alfredo crying in the elevator?
Nadia: Hello, Jew.
Schmidt: What's up, Nadia?

Nick: Shavvy's getting nasty. Shavvy a dog.
Jess: Shavvy?
Nick: We're friends now. Dead Dad Pass.

Schmidt: Look, Cece... I just wanted to say that if I was ever selfish in our relationship...
Cece: What do you mean, "if," and what do you mean, "relationship"?
Schmidt: That's fair. Um... if I was... I sincerely apologize. So, challenge unaccepted. I don't want a plus-one. I'm really happy for you.

Jess: I just want to say, um, I'm really sorry about...
Cece: No. I'm-I'm... I'm sorry. And there's, uh... There's something I've been wanting to ask you. It's not traditional in Indian weddings to have a maid of honor, but... I would really love it if you would be mine.
Jess: Yeah. I mean, I don't know...
Cece: What?!
Jess: Yes! Oh, my God, thank you so much for asking me!

Schmidt: I paid. All yours, no judgments.
Elizabeth: Why'd you come back, Schmidt?
Schmidt: The Big Guy is... Well, he's still somewhere inside this... perfect body. He needs you to coax him out a little bit. Please tell him what to do next.
Elizabeth: Eat the pizza. Eat all the pizza... while I watch... right now.
Schmidt: Okay. Oh. It's so greasy. So many carbs. Hey guys... Oh boy. Welcome home, melted cheese. Oh. I don't even know what pepperoni's made of. It's so good.
Elizabeth: Is that your happy dance, big boy?
Schmidt: I love it.
Elizabeth: Oh, there he is.
Schmidt: Yup.
Elizabeth: There's my big guy.
Schmidt: It's like waking up from a bad salad dream. Big guy in the house.

Shivrang: Wait, listen. Look, babe. Just think. When all of this madness is over, you and I will finally get to, you know... [clicks tongue, smacks lips]
Cece: What are you doing? [Shivrang clicks his tongue] Freaking me out.
Shivrang: You know, make love. Which I am personally looking forward to greatly.
Cece: And we'll already be married forever.