‘Bachelorette Party’
Season 2, Episode 22 - Aired April 9, 2013
Jess throws a surprise bachelorette party for Cece. Meanwhile, Schmidt is determined to find a plus one for Cece's wedding, and Nick and Winston spend the evening with Shivrang.
Quote from Cece
Jess: Cece, you wanted a bachelorette party ever since I've known you. Why do you have to pretend to be somebody you're not?
Cece: What are you saying?
Jess: I'm just saying, this is all moving really, really fast, and maybe you need to get to know Shivrang a little bit more, and maybe you need to slow this down so he can get to know you.
Cece: I'm getting married in three weeks. Are you saying that I shouldn't get married in three weeks?
Jess: No. I'm just saying that maybe you should...
Cece: I knew it! I knew it! You have been against this wedding from the beginning.
Jess: Fine! I don't think you should marry Shivrang if it means you have to change who you are.
Cece: Yeah, well, I don't need to take relationship advice from a girl who's in the middle of a seventh grade debacle with a boy across the hall! "Oh, I'm a single adult, and I kissed another single adult. What's gonna happen? Does Nick like me? I better go pick out a party dress. I wear pajama sets!"
Jess: You question my pajamas, you make me question our entire friendship.
Quote from Schmidt
Schmidt: This is real. This is not a dream. Look, I've kept off the weight. You knew me when action sandals were my necessary footwear.
Elizabeth: What do you want?
Schmidt: Why do you think I want something?
Elizabeth: Because I dated you for four years. I know when you want something. What do you want?
Schmidt: I would like to take you to a wedding, because I miss you so much...
Elizabeth: No, I can't take you seriously when you're wearing such tight pants. Get to the point.
Schmidt: Okay, look, my model ex-girlfriend is getting married to some small little Indian man who I just don't understand. Okay, and I want you to pretend to be my girlfriend so she gets very sad, and then, breaks off the wedding, and then, runs away with me.
Elizabeth: No. Not a chance.
Quote from Cece
Cece: I mean, I don't want to see it. I do. Okay. But not-not... not here. I'm sorry. It's just, you know, I-I... Sometimes it feels like we're just moving so fast, and I feel crazy that we're just... jumping in blindly. But maybe that's what makes this special. It's just a real leap of faith, Shivrang.
Shivrang: Yeah, uh, but look, the first thing that you need to know about me is that it's actually pronounced Shivrung.
Cece: I don't know how to pronounce your name?!
Shivrang: No, no. You were just so pretty, I didn't want to correct you. But look, the most important thing is that I am gonna do my best to make you the happiest woman on the face of the earth.
Quote from Nick
Nick: I will not take it off. I have a pass.
Schmidt: A pass? What kind of pass?
Nick: A Dead Dad Pass. Which means I can do what I want when I want and no one can say anything about it. Like right now, I want to tap dance, and you, Jess, you cannot tell me that this isn't tap.
Jess: Nick, that's just not tap!
Nick: My dad died!
Jess: I'm sorry. It's just not.
Quote from Nick
Winston: Hey, y'all. Look at these fancy invites. Do you think it's to a gala event? I've always wanted to go to a gala event.
Nick: Yeah.
Winston: What the hell are you wearing?
Nick: Dead Dad Pass.
Quote from Cece
Jess: I have not technically been asked to be maid of honor, but I am throwing Cece's surprise bachelorette party here tonight, and the only males invited are strippers, so oil up or get out, guys. Seriously though, this is a really big deal for her. Some girls plan their weddings, Cece planned her bachelorette party.
[flashback:]
Young Cece: I want to have the dirtiest bachelorette party of all time.
Young Jess: Then you better have it in a pigpen.
Young Cece: No, I mean I want strippers and a mechanical bull and balloons in the shape of ding dongs, and I want to wear the kind of underwear that goes between your cheeks.
Quote from Schmidt
Shivrang: Hello...
Schmidt: Shivrang? What are you doing here?
Shivrang: I, uh... You stole my question.
Schmidt: Hi. How are you doing? My invitation didn't have a plus-one. If this is a mistake, I would just like an apology for the pain that you've caused me. Also reimbursement for all travel expenses.
Cece: Not a mistake. There's no plus-one.
Ankita: Who is this?
Schmidt: I'm Gérard Depardieu. Who do you think I am, lady? I'm Schmidt.
Cece: Get in my room right now, Schmidt. Move.
Schmidt: I'm going to your room right now.
Quote from Jess
Sadie: I'm Sadie. I'm a lesbian. [The models greet her] I'm 39 weeks large right now. I can't stand for more than 60 seconds but just wanted to say I'm-I'm so excited to be raging with you all. So bring on the cranberry juice, right? I need this.
Jess: It's really weird. You're acting really weird.
Sadie: So many models.
Jess: I know. I know.
Sadie: So many.
Jess: You can look. Don't touch.
Sadie: One more thing? I am a doctor if anyone's got any areas they want... looked at. I'm fine to take a peek. That's too much.
Jess: Don't make me call your wife.
Quote from Jess
Jess: Surprise! It's your bachelorette party!
Cece: Jess, I...
Jess: Love it? I know. Complete with your favorite game, Pin the Dong on the Shivrang!
All: Pin the dong! Pin the dong!
Quote from Jess
Cece: Ankita-ji, this is Jess, my non-blood related best friend.
Jess: Welcome... to California.
Akita: May I please use your restroom? I need to wash my hands.
Jess: Yes, of course. It's down the hall. Um, also there's a very sexually aggressive message on the mirror and I apologize for that.