Operator: 911. Emergency?
Adrian Monk: You've got to help me. Uh, look, I've just taken in a two-year-old boy. My, uh, assistant isn't home and I can't- I can't reach her. Oh. Oh, God. Oh.
Operator: Sir, what is the nature of your emergency?
Adrian Monk: It's everywhere. BM. It's BM. BM. BM. It's BM.
Operator: Sir, you have to stop saying BM now. Do you mean your child is soiling his diaper?
Adrian Monk: Yes. Yes, he's soiling his his diaper with, you know, with BM.
Operator: You mean you've never changed a diaper?
Adrian Monk: Hurry.
Operator: Okay, listen carefully. There should be two Velcro straps on the sides. Find the two straps.
Adrian Monk: Okay, I've got the straps.
Operator: Now rip 'em open.
Adrian Monk: Oh! Oh, oh, oh! Oh! Oh, my God. Oh, the humanity.
Operator: Okay, sir? All right, do you have any wipes?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I've got about 2,000.
Operator: That should be fine.
Adrian Monk: It's not going to be enough!
Operator: Sir, you're gonna have to wipe your son's bottom. [wails on the line] Sir, is the boy all right?
Adrian Monk: He's fine. That was me. Wait a minute. Oh, my God. He's making more.
Operator: I-ls it number one or number two?
Adrian Monk: It's one and two and... And... Oh, my God. It's... It's three. It's number three.
Operator: Sir, I'm afraid you're on your own. This line is for emergencies only.

Adrian Monk: "Once upon a time in a kingdom called San Francisco, there lived a brave little prince. And his name was Tommy Grazer. Tommy lived with a wicked king and queen. The queen was very greedy. She loved gold, and she wanted more and more. The queen had a plan. She would find a young fiddler from a wealthy family and kidnap him and hold him for ransom. They locked the fiddler in a dungeon. The fiddler's family was very sad. They would do anything to get him back. The wicked king and queen needed to prove that they were serious, so they chopped off the fiddler's finger and planned to leave it in the park. But Prince Tommy was very brave and very smart. He liked to reach into ladies' purses. He reached into the queen's purse and he grabbed the finger." That's where you found it, isn't it?
Tommy: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: "Then Tommy made a new friend named Mr. Monk. Mr. Monk remembered something that the wicked queen said: 'The kid found a pinkie. It's no big deal.' How did she know the missing finger was a pinkie? The police never released that information." And then, the most wonderful and surprising thing of all happened. Mr. Monk discovered that he loved that little prince. But he also realized that the little prince could never live happily ever after if he stayed at Mr. Monk's house, because Mr. Monk can barely take care of himself. And so, they're gonna have to say good-bye. The end.

Natalie: Oh, my God. What is this? Why is he wearing a helmet?
Adrian Monk: It's to protect his head.
Natalie: That must be so uncomfortable.
Adrian Monk: Oh, he'll get used to it. I used to wear one all the time.
Natalie: Your parents made you wear a helmet?
Adrian Monk: No.