TV Quotes

Applicant #2: You're looking for someone to start right away?
Adrian Monk: That's right.
Applicant #2: What would my hours be?
Adrian Monk: 9 A.M...
Applicant #2: Until?
Adrian Monk: Until one...
Applicant #2: 1 P.M?
Adrian Monk: Until one of us dies.

Lieutenant Disher: Sir, there's gotta be a connection here. Do you know the odds against two different men breaking into the same house in the same week?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, I don't. Do you?
Lieutenant Disher: No.

Lieutenant Disher: Captain? I tracked down Kalimarakis. I don't think he's our guy. Number one, it turns out he was allowed to join the Olympic swim team as an alternate. He, uh, got a waiver.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So there's no motive.
Lieutenant Disher: Right. Number two, he's dead. He died in 1995. And number three, he moved to Europe in the late '80s. So there's no record of him ever returning-
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy. Randy, excuse me. I'm sorry to interrupt you but could you read number two again?
Lieutenant Disher: Okeydoke. He's dead.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Right. See, I probably would have stopped reading after number two. In fact, I would have read number two first.
Lieutenant Disher: You would have switched 'em?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah. But that's just me. And probably every other adult on the planet Earth.

Lieutenant Disher: So who's on your short list?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I've been at this all morning. Most of these guys are either in jail or dead.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, or both.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No. Nobody is both.