Derek Philby: Excuse me. What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Oh, I'm just making them even.
Derek Philby: But you're mixing the regular with the decaf.
Adrian Monk: But they're even.
Derek Philby: But they're mixed together.
Adrian Monk: But they're they're even.
Derek Philby: But they're mixed together.
Adrian Monk: But they're even.
Derek Philby: But they're mixed together.
Adrian Monk: ... But they're even. So the test was in progress when the car alarm sounded?

Adrian Monk: Oh, ho-ho! You don't want to move there.
Sharona: Why not?
Adrian Monk: I'll capture your queen with my bishop. [Sharona licks the chess piece] What are you doing?
Sharona: What? Your move.
Adrian Monk: Okay. Okay, I win. You just forfeited.
Sharona: Why?
Adrian Monk: You can't do that. It's illegal.
Sharona: What?
Adrian Monk: You know what. You can't lick the queen. She's my queen. Doesn't matter whose queen it is. You can't lick any queen. It's an unwritten rule.
Sharona: There's an unwritten licking-the-queen rule?
Adrian Monk: You're not even allowed to touch a piece during a game. You can ask anybody.
Sharona: Oh, my God. You have been touching pieces left and right. You have been sexually harassing every piece on this board.
Adrian Monk: I was centering them. That's different.
Sharona: How's that different?
Adrian Monk: Okay. Okay. Okay. I'll move. There.
Sharona: Check.

Sharona: Adrian, don't do that.
Adrian Monk: I'm just centering the pieces.
Sharona: I know what you're doing. I'm trying to concentrate.
Adrian Monk: Hold on. You'll thank me later.
Sharona: You always say that. Have I ever once thanked you later?
Adrian Monk: No.