Captain Stottlemeyer Quote #413
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, Monk. Thank you for coming. We caught a weird one here. I mean, this is off the charts.
Adrian Monk: What happened? What did you do here?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, we rearranged the squad room. I guess I should start at the beginning. On friday, a woman named Martha Murphy was killed. She was hit by a baseball. She was power walking past the Little League field when a 12-year-old kid named Petey Cunningham knocked one over the fence and beaned her, left temple. I mean, what are the odds, right? A million to one? A billion to one, maybe.
Adrian Monk: You rearranged the squad room. Why?
Lieutenant Disher: It's supposed to be more efficient. We've, broken it down into five different units. It's actually working out pretty well.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Whatever. Listen, get this Yesterday, Martha's family flies in from Denver. They go to her house. They're gonna get Grandma's affairs in order. Guess what they found? It's the darnedest thing. In 30 years of law enforcement...
Adrian Monk: Here's what I don't understand. What was the problem with the way it was? The way it was before was the way, it's always been.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, I haven't even gotten to the voodoo stuff yet.
Adrian Monk: I mean, it's so random, isn't it? You got all these arbitrary formations and... I mean, who can work like this? It's madness.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay! I don't know what I was thinking. Randy, let's put it back the way it was.
Lieutenant Disher: What, you mean right now? For how long?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Until Monk dies.
Quote from Lieutenant Disher
Captain Stottlemeyer: So he goes to collect the mail, including this box.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, same as the others. Postmarked three days ago, no return address. He opens the box, sees the doll. Bob's your uncle, his heart just stops.
Captain Stottlemeyer: "Bob's your uncle"? That doesn't sound right.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, yeah. Bob was her uncle. Uncle Robert.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, right, but that doesn't matter.
Lieutenant Disher: It's a figure of speech.
Captain Stottlemeyer: A figure of whose speech? I've never heard...
Lieutenant Disher: His name is Robert.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, I know. No, no, back up a second. I've never heard "Bob's your uncle" before.
Lieutenant Disher: Have you been to Australia?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, I've never been to Australia.
Lieutenant Disher: Bob's your uncle, mate. Didgeridoo.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Have you been- Have you been to Australia?
Lieutenant Disher: No.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Did you, like, see a movie, like? Like, "That's a knife, mate."
Quote from Natalie
Adrian Monk: How can I leave? I'm still working on the voodoo thing.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, they won't even miss you. They'll be fine.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, I have to call the captain and...
Natalie: No, no. I'll call the captain. I'll do that. You just get your coat. [picks up phone] Captain Stottlemeyer, please. Hi, it's Natalie. I'm taking Mr. Monk out of town for a couple of days. [chuckles] Yeah, I agree. He needs a break. So don't even bother calling. [laughs] Get the coat. I will, I will, as soon as we get back. Okay. All right, bye. He wants us to take a lot of pictures.
Adrian Monk: That phone's unplugged.
Natalie: Pardon me?
Adrian Monk: It's not plugged in. There's the cord.
Natalie: Are you calling me a liar?
Adrian Monk: It's not plugged in.
Natalie: So you're calling me a liar?
Adrian Monk: I don't know what to say. It's not plugged in.
Quote from Mr. Monk and the Election
Captain Stottlemeyer: Disher told me that you put the grenade in the refrigerator.
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And then he said you went back and opened it again. You just had to straighten something out, didn't you? I'm gonna ask the Mayor to give you a medal for what you did. And then I'm gonna ask the Mayor to take that medal back. Because you just had to open that door, didn't you?
Adrian Monk: So it's a wash?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, it's a wash.
Quote from Mr. Monk Goes to Mexico
Captain Stottlemeyer: In a way, given what he had to deal with, he was the bravest man I've ever known. I measured everything I did against him. He was my yardstick. I never told him that.
Lieutenant Disher: I'm sure he knew, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [chuckles] I'm sure he did. The son of a bitch knew everything. I want a full-dress funeral. I want the governor there. I want the entire department there with black armbands and white gloves.
Lieutenant Disher: Sir, Monk wasn't on active duty. We can't go full dress.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk is to be buried with honors or I quit. I'm gonna tell you something, Randy, and I'm not ashamed to admit this. I loved that man. [answers phone] This is Stottlemeyer. Yes. I understand. [to Randy] I hate that man. [hangs up] I hate that man!