Adrian Monk Quote #1251
Quote from Adrian Monk in Mr. Monk and the Garbage Strike
Adrian Monk: Here it is. Here it is. He paid cash. Bottled water. A pack of Belgium Gold cigarettes. And...
Natalie: A wrist bandage.
Adrian Monk: Of course! Here's what happened. The mayor snuck into Jimmy Cusack's office shot him in the head. He made it look like a suicide. Then, he realized that he had just made the biggest mistake of his life. Because Jimmy Cusack was left-handed. Nobody would ever believe he would shoot himself with this right hand. But, Jimmy Cusack was already dead. What could the Mayor do?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Put a bandage on the other wrist.
Adrian Monk: Exactly! He walked two blocks, came in here, bought the wrist bandage, then he went back to Jimmy Cusack's office and made it look like Jimmy Cusack had a sprained left hand. And it would have worked too, except...
Natalie: He forgot his umbrella.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, it should be easy enough to prove. He's the mayor, for God's sake. Who rang this up?
Drugstore Manager: Let's see. It says Cashier number one. Oh, that would be me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, do you remember who you sold that to?
Drugstore Manager: Maybe I do.
Lieutenant Disher: There's no reward.
Drugstore Manager: I have no idea. There's so many people that come here. It could have been anybody. We get all kinds in here.
Adrian Monk: Okay, was it him?
Drugstore Manager: [scoffs] The mayor? What would the mayor be doing in my store at 12:30 in the morning?
Adrian Monk: Buying a wrist bandage!
Drugstore Manager: No. I-it wasn't him.
Adrian Monk: It was him.
Drugstore Manager: It wasn't him.
Adrian Monk: It was him!
Drugstore Manager: No, it wasn't him.
Adrian Monk: It was him.
Drugstore Manager: Look, I'm not an idiot. I think I would notice if the mayor of San Francisco was in my store at 12:30 in the morning! It wasn't him.
Lieutenant Disher: So, you were wrong? 'Cause usually when you say, "Here's what happened", it's pretty much what happened.
Adrian Monk: Captain, it's the stench. It's everywhere. I- I- I can't possibly...
Captain Stottlemeyer: It wasn't the mayor, Monk! I'm gonna have to go out to the press and retract everything!
Drugstore Manager: So? What's the big deal? Oh, like he's never been wrong before?
Natalie: No. No, he hasn't.
‘Mr. Monk and the Garbage Strike’ Quotes
Quote from Adrian Monk
Adrian Monk: Okay, uh, here's the thing, Mr. Mayor. Even if I do find the man who killed Jimmy Cusack, even if the strike ends tomorrow, it's not gonna solve the big problem.
Mayor Ray Nicholson: What problem is that?
Adrian Monk: Your Honor, we have got to... You've got to face facts. The city is ruined forever. It's a total loss. Even if we clean up all the garbage tomorrow, we'll never get the stink out. It's like the dining room carpet when the cat makes a... a B.M. on there. I mean, what do you? You don't have any choice really. You gotta replace the carpet! You gotta- You gotta get rid of the cat. And you can never eat in that dining room again, can you? No, you can't. But, I do have a plan. I have a plan.
Mayor Ray Nicholson: Oh, good.
Adrian Monk: Yes, sir. It just came to me last night in a vision. One, we evacuate the city. Every man, woman, and child.
Mayor Ray Nicholson: Evacuate?
Adrian Monk: Two! We burn it down We just burn it. Scorched earth. Then, just to be safe, we collect all the ashes. And what do we do? We burn the ashes. Three. We bring everybody back and we start over. Think of it. Just think of it. We rebuild San Francisco. From scratch. Start fresh. Everything clean. Everything brand-new. Gonna have that new city smell. Fresh off the lot. We can even straighten out Lombard Street while we're at it.
Quote from Adrian Monk
Adrian Monk: Ah, I've done it again. Made the situation worse. [sighs] The union wants the mayor indicted for murder. The mayor's denying everything. And I haven't slept in nine days. [garbage bag drops in the background] It keeps piling up. I always hated garbage. Even when I was a kid. We lived 2.2 miles from the city dump. I used to lie in bed smelling it. Had nightmares all the time. About trash bags. Piling up outside. Higher and higher... Until we couldn't leave the house. We were buried alive. [another bag falls] And now, it's coming true. Dr. Kroger?
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, have you been sending me your trash?
Adrian Monk: [chortles] ... No.
Dr. Kroger: See, I've been getting boxes of trash sent to me in the mail.
Adrian Monk: Really?
Dr. Kroger: Yeah, really. Now, Adrian, don't deny it. It's all sorted according to color and food groups. It's your handwriting on the label. It's upsetting my wife. It's upsetting my children. And I want it to stop. Adrian, do you hear me? [a flurry of bags drop] I want it to stop!
Adrian Monk: I want it to stop too.
Quote from Adrian Monk
Captain Stottlemeyer: You solved the case?
Adrian Monk: Take a look, take a look, take a little look. This was stapled to a telephone pole that was right in front of us the whole time. He's the guy!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Who's the guy?
Lieutenant Disher: Alice Cooper?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Are you telling us that Alice Cooper, the rock star, killed Jimmy Cusack?
Adrian Monk: First off, I don't think Alice Cooper is his real name. Take a closer look. He is sitting in an antique wingback chair. The same kind of chair Jimmy Cusack was sitting in when he was killed. Check this out.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What?
Adrian Monk: Check out the date. April 5th. Monday night. Same night as the murder. Coincidence?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, coincidence.
Adrian Monk: Ah, no. No, we were- We were looking at this case all wrong. 'Cause it never was about Cusack. It was never about the garbage strike. And it was never about the Sanitation Union. It was about the chair. The antique chair. The antique wingback Cusack chair! Here's what happened. It is no secret that rock and roll stars collect antiques. Especially antique chairs.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What the hell are you talking about?
Adrian Monk: Alice Cooper must have read about Jimmy Cusack's handcrafted wingback chair. He was consumed with envy! He was consumed with resentment! Alice had to possess the fairest antique wingbackchair in all the land.
Lieutenant Disher: Should I be writing this down?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Nope.
Adrian Monk: It's true. Alice Cooper is a hippie. But he's the bad kind of hippie. He's the kind of hippie that breaks into people's offices and beats them up and shoots them in the head. Why? To steal their antique chairs.
Lieutenant Disher: Why didn't he take the chair?
Adrian Monk: Hello! It had a bullet hole in it. It had blood on it. He didn't want it anymore.
Lieutenant Disher: He could have washed it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy. I don't think we need to stand here and pick apart the Alice-Cooper-wants an-antique-chair theory.
Adrian Monk: If you will excuse me, I have a city to clean. One bag at a time! One bag at a time. One bag at a time. One bag at a time.