TV Quotes

Adrian Monk: Your honor, I will not be able to serve today, unfortunately. For a number of reasons. First off... There's the bathroom situation. I can't share a bathroom. I just can't. You can ask Natalie. Natalie?
Natalie: Yeah, he's persnickety. He's very persnickety. He's persnickety squared.

Natalie: Good morning. Picked up your mail. What is going on?
Adrian Monk: Oh, I'm having fun. I love this stuff.
Natalie: Yeah, so I see.
Adrian Monk: You know, I usually don't like shaking hands, but I ever met the man invented Tupperware, I would shake his hand.
Natalie: I think he might be dead.
Adrian Monk: Well, I would still shake his hand, because he's probably perfectly preserved. All right, look. It's virtually airtight. Look at this.

Lieutenant Disher: Captain? I tracked down Kalimarakis. I don't think he's our guy. Number one, it turns out he was allowed to join the Olympic swim team as an alternate. He, uh, got a waiver.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So there's no motive.
Lieutenant Disher: Right. Number two, he's dead. He died in 1995. And number three, he moved to Europe in the late '80s. So there's no record of him ever returning-
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy. Randy, excuse me. I'm sorry to interrupt you but could you read number two again?
Lieutenant Disher: Okeydoke. He's dead.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Right. See, I probably would have stopped reading after number two. In fact, I would have read number two first.
Lieutenant Disher: You would have switched 'em?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah. But that's just me. And probably every other adult on the planet Earth.

Lieutenant Disher: So who's on your short list?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I've been at this all morning. Most of these guys are either in jail or dead.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, or both.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No. Nobody is both.