Adrian Monk: When I was on the force, I used to hate cashing my paycheck. I still do. To me, police work is like a higher calling. Like the priesthood.
Dr. Kroger: You know, Adrian, even priests have to get paid. But it brings up an interesting question. Something I would like to explore with you. What would you do if you had a million dollars?
Adrian Monk: Well, uh, I guess I'd hire you full time. And keep you on retainer. 24/7. Maybe I'd buy you a house right next to mine. So I could just drop in anytime. This is fun. What would you do with a million dollars?
Dr. Kroger: Buy an island. A desert island in the middle of nowhere.
Adrian Monk: So we would do our sessions over the phone?
Dr. Kroger: [chuckles] Well, see, this island, in my mind... No phone service.
Adrian Monk: Well, I guess I'd have to buy a boat.
Dr. Kroger: No, see, that's funny, because, the island, in my fantasy... No dock.

Captain Stottlemeyer: I've got some good news. Sort of consolation prize. I talked to the commissioner. He's gonna put you under contract.
Natalie: Really?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Put you on retainer. He has guaranteed you 16 homicides a year for next two years.
Adrian Monk: Sixteen a year? What- What about after that?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, we'll have to take it one year at a time. We'll see.

Cashier: That's $42.80.
Adrian Monk: Okay, there we go. And I have a coupon.
Cashier: I can't take this, it expired yesterday.
Adrian Monk: Yesterday? Oh, she's right. Darn. Sometimes I wish I had a time machine.
Natalie: Wait, if you had a time machine, you would use it to go back to save 50 cents on Lysol?
Adrian Monk: Yes. Yes, I would.
Natalie: You wouldn't use it to save Abraham Lincoln?
Adrian Monk: Fine, I'll save Lincoln. It never ends with you.