Captain Stottlemeyer Quote #52

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer in Mr. Monk and the Very, Very Old Man

Karen Stottlemeyer: Now, I know it sounds crazy, but I went to the nursing home this morning to wish him a happy birthday, and they had just found him.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh-huh?
Karen Stottlemeyer: The coroner was there. There was something wrong.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh-huh?
Karen Stottlemeyer: You see, they said he died in bed, but Leland, he never used the bed. He slept in a chair. He told me he was afraid that if he ever laid down, he would never get up again.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, Karen...
Karen Stottlemeyer: Also, they found a book on his chest. Like he'd been reading. But he couldn't read, because he was nearly blind. So I told the head nurse to lock down that room.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You what?
Karen Stottlemeyer: So that you can investigate.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Karen, you can't do that. Wh-What are you, a homicide detective?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I mean, how old was this guy?
Karen Stottlemeyer: 115.
Captain Stottlemeyer: 115? People that old, they die! It's It's like their job. Now, be reasonable. Who would kill the oldest man in the world? I mean, why would they bother?

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 ‘Mr. Monk and the Very, Very Old Man’ Quotes

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: The feeding schedule goes up to last Friday. He's- He's- He's loose. He's somewhere in the house. [jumps up on table] Come- Come up- Come on up here. It's plenty strong.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm not getting on the table with you, Monk. I thought you were afraid of heights.
Adrian Monk: Snakes trump heights. It goes germs, needles, milk, death, snakes, mushrooms, heights, crowds, elevators...
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, I don't need the entire list.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: All right. Here's the question. Who would murder the oldest man in the world?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I know what the question is, Randy.
Lieutenant Disher: Okay. Look at this. Book of World Records. Enrico Palamo. He was Italian. He collected yarn. He made the world's biggest ball of yarn. He was murdered three years ago, still unsolved.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, maybe the world's biggest kitty cat did that.
Lieutenant Disher: I think we might have a serial killer on our hands.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, God.
Lieutenant Disher: Somebody is killing world record holders. One at a time.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You think we oughta warn the fat twins on the motorcycles? Or, wait, wait, wait. Maybe we ought to put a 24-hour guard on the guy with the beard of bees.
Lieutenant Disher: I can never tell when you're being sarcastic.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm being sarcastic, Randy. Get the book outta here.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: It's finished! The rug is clean.
Adrian Monk: I know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Then what's the problem?
Adrian Monk: [stops vacuuming] The lines in the carpet. See? You went on a diagonal. I like to make a grid! It's no big deal. [resumes vacuuming]
Captain Stottlemeyer: You win. I give up. [pulls the plug on the vacuum]
Adrian Monk: Excuse me?
Captain Stottlemeyer: You know what I'm gonna do? First thing in the morning, I'm gonna call the Vatican and I'm gonna nominate your late wife Trudy for sainthood! Because you are impossible!
Adrian Monk: The lines! They're all diagonal! I have to live here!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Forget about the rug! This is not about the rug! Do you know what you are? Do you know what you are? You're the world's best marriage counselor. You could save every marriage in California! All people have to do is live with you for two days! Two days! And they'd never complain about their spouse again.
Adrian Monk: What are you- What are you doing?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I am going home! I am gonna beg Karen to take me back. I'm gonna beg her to take me back. I'm gonna tell her I am a different man, and I will not be lying.