Lieutenant Disher: Okay, this is it, room 109. He's flushing the drugs. We gotta take him now.
Uniform Officer: The captain said to wait.
Lieutenant Disher: No, no time. Let's do it. Police officers! Watch her! Show me your hands. Now! Right now! Hands up! Hands on the wall!
Old Man: What are you doing?
Lieutenant Disher: What are you doing, you son of a bitch? Against the wall.
Woman: Oh, my God, leave him alone!
Lieutenant Disher: Tell your hooker to shut up.
Man: My hooker? Who are you?
Lieutenant Disher: I'm a cop. You wanna tell me what you just flushed down the toilet?
Man: No.
Lieutenant Disher: All right, Alfonso. We'll do it your way. You have the right to remain silent...
Man: Who the hell is Alfonso?
Lieutenant Disher: Anything you do say can be used against you- [lights go on]
Woman: Oh, Bernie! Oh, Bernie! Get away!
[Disher takes the piece of paper with the room number from his pockets. As he turns it around, he suspects the actual room number was 601, not 109.]
Uniform Officer: There he goes! Alfonso! Police! Police! Drop the gun!
Lieutenant Disher: I'm, uh-- I'm really sorry, mister.
Woman: His name is Bernard Garrison. He is a retired lawyer.
Man: I'm not retired anymore.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, don't do this.
Lieutenant Disher: It's effective as of noon today. So I have, uh, nine minutes left. If there's anything you need me to do quickly. Maybe some filing. Now it's 8 minutes and 49 seconds.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, I know how you feel. You screwed up. Everybody screws up.
Lieutenant Disher: You're right. Everybody does screw up. But I am a screwup. There's a difference. You need to sign for those.
Captain Stottlemeyer: We picked up Rivera this morning-
Lieutenant Disher: No thanks to me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You don't have to worry about Garrison. State's Attorney's negotiating with him. He's gonna settle. They always do. Randy, son, this badge represents ten years of your life. Ten years of good work.

Adrian Monk: Thank you for letting me keep my bags up top. Is this where I get the bus to go back?
Bus Driver: No!

Man: [on tape] And these changes are like ripples on a pond. But is that enough? Are you satisfied being just a ripple?
Lieutenant Disher: [sleep talking] No. Not a ripple.
Man: You are a tidal wave. Say it with me.
Lieutenant Disher: I am a tidal wave.
Man: I love and approve of myself.

Oates: Mr. D. Hey, tidal wave. You got company.
Lieutenant Disher: Who is it?
Oates: Funny fellow, kinda nervous.
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, it's Monk. Okay, okay. I'm up. I'm up. Oh, hey, something smells good. What's for breakfast?
Oates: It's lunch. Been up since 5:00.
Lieutenant Disher: O'clock?
Oates: Yes, o'clock.
Lieutenant Disher: Why? I know, farm stuff. You shoulda woken me up.
Oates: I did.

Lieutenant Disher: Well, I love it. I used to come up here every summer, helping Uncle Harvey run the place. Still can't believe it's all mine. It's all mine. It's my farm. I own a farm. I'm the farmer in the dell.
Oates: Got that tractor runnin'.
Lieutenant Disher: Was it broken?
Oates: Since Tuesday.
Lieutenant Disher: But it's working now. Good. Good, good man, Oates.
Oates: You feed the jerseys?
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, I did.
Oates: Today?
Lieutenant Disher: No, not today, exactly.
Oates: They gotta be fed every day. Animals eat every day. I'll do it.

Lieutenant Disher: Oates, Oates, would you tell Monk what you were telling me the other day?
Oates: You mean about how you're not cut out to-- No, no, no, no. Um, about Uncle Harvey.
Oates: Well, I've been working this farm for 20 years. Your uncle was a tad peculiar, especially about Nadine.
Adrian Monk: Nadine?
Lieutenant Disher: Uh, his pig. It was like his child.
Oates: Old Harvey was a character. There's no denying it. But it was just him and me up here. I knew that man better than I knew myself. I could live a thousand years before I'd believe that he tried to do himself in.

Lieutenant Disher: This is exactly how they found it. They were gonna tow it away, but I took another look. Something just didn't feel right. I covered it up, and I called you.
Adrian Monk: I'm glad you did.
Lieutenant Disher: Really?
Adrian Monk: No.

Adrian Monk: Where was the pig?
Lieutenant Disher: She was right there on the road.
Adrian Monk: So according to the police, your uncle was driving home, lost control of the truck, and accidentally ran over Nadine, his beloved prize-winning 200-pound pig.
Lieutenant Disher: She was Pig of the Year three years in a row.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to to meet her. So he-- he hit Nadine, and then he careened off the road and into the electric fence. And he realized what he had done. "Oh, my God, I killed the Pig of the Year." And he was so depressed, he was- He was so overcome with grief, that he grabbed the rifle from that gun rack and killed himself.
Lieutenant Disher: Right. That's the official version. But look at this. Uncle Harvey kept a handgun under the seat. Why didn't he just use it? It would have been a lot easier.
Adrian Monk: So you think he was killed by somebody who didn't know about the handgun.

Adrian Monk: Did he have any enemies?
Lieutenant Disher: Well, I've been asking around. Two days before the accident, he was seen arguing with Jimmy Belmont. He's another farmer. He lives up the road.
Adrian Monk: Arguing about what?
Lieutenant Disher: Nobody knows.
Adrian Monk: People argue all the time, Randy.
Lieutenant Disher: Okay, okay, I know. But what about this? How did Nadine get out of her pen? She was locked up 24/7, and she wouldn't let anybody near her except Uncle Harvey.
Adrian Monk: Okay, yeah, maybe... Maybe she was drugged. Where's the pig? Maybe we could have them do an autopsy.
Lieutenant Disher: We ate her.
Adrian Monk: You ate the pig.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, I know. I'm an idiot.
Adrian Monk: No, I didn't-
Lieutenant Disher: No, I'm... See, Monk? That's why I'm not a cop. What kind of cop eats a crucial piece of evidence?