Sharona: Adrian. Wait, wait.
Adrian Monk: What?
Sharona: Uh, Captain, before we get started, could you just initial this agreement? It's our standard consultation fee.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's what?
Sharona: Our standard consultation fee.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Could we take care of that later, Sharona?
Adrian Monk: Not now.
Sharona: Adrian. I prefer to take care of business first.
Lieutenant Disher: Bet that's not the first time you've said that.
Sharona: Bite me.

Adrian Monk: Oh, man. Oh, God. I don't feel so good. This is like a feng shui nightmare in here.
Sharona: Adrian, you gotta calm down. You're rambling. Come on.

Dale Biederbeck: Well, my, my, my, it's the boys in blue. And the former boy in blue. Forgive me if I don't get up. [dog growls] Now, now, now. Come on now, Bentley. I'm sorry. He hates cops.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Biederbeck, I am Captain Stottlemeyer. This is Lieutenant Disher and this is Adrian Monk.
Dale Biederbeck: Oh, I know Adrian Monk. How long has it been, my friend?
Adrian Monk: Seven years.
Dale Biederbeck: Seven years. You look good. How do I look?
Adrian Monk: You look great, Dale. Hardly recognized you.
Christian Vezza: Mr. Biederbeck has lost 104 pounds since March. It's my own patented diet. High-protein juices and shakes.
Adrian Monk: Of course, the hard part is keeping it off.

Dale Biederbeck: And this must be Sharona. The little nurse that saved his life. Come here, my dear. Let me get a look at you. Come on. I won't bite. Come closer. Tell me, are you still doing house calls?
Sharona: Um, l-I don't do that anymore.
Dale Biederbeck: Oh, that's a shame. Call me if you change your mind. You know, my night nurse just quit. Didn't give notice, can you imagine?

Dale Biederbeck: Where were we? Bread and butter.
Adrian Monk: What?
Dale Biederbeck: Bread and butter. Those were Trudy's last words, weren't they? The transcript of the coroner's inquest is a matter of public record. The Internet, Monk, it's the fat man's best friend. It's been troubling me for years. What could she have meant? Bread and butter.
Adrian Monk: Go to hell.
Dale Biederbeck: [chuckles] No doubt I will. I just hope it's handicapped accessible.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Biederbeck, this is not a joke. We have evidence, and it's overwhelming.
Dale Biederbeck: Is it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, it is. You have motive. You were identified by name on the 911 call. A child in the neighborhood saw you in the judge's house that night.
Dale Biederbeck: Oh, my God, that sounds like a strong case, Captain. What do you think, Monk?
Adrian Monk: I think you killed her.
Dale Biederbeck: Prove it.

Lieutenant Disher: There's no way. Forty-five inches. There's no way, Captain. The elevator's even smaller.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What do you think?
Adrian Monk: He did it. That's all I know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: How about a crane through the window? A construction crane lowered him to the street?
Adrian Monk: Without anybody noticing? It's impossible.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Excuse me, Doctor. Now, if Biederbeck is too big to get out of the room, how'd he get there in the first place? He's like a ship in a bottle.
Christiaan Vezza: Well, when he first bought the apartment, he weighed a mere 422 pounds. He could still walk. On a good day, he could see his toes. Then his mother died, and he had a complete breakdown. He started bingeing. He would call restaurants and order everything on the menu. He topped out at 927 pounds. That was a decade ago. He has not left the room since.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Like I said, it's just not possible.

Dale Biederbeck: Hey, did he tell you about his wife and me?
Sharona: I know all about it.
Dale Biederbeck: No, you don't.
Sharona: He didn't tell you. He's too ashamed. See, nine years ago, his beloved Trudy wrote a piece on me in which she said I was the Genghis Khan of world finance. So I sued her and the rag that published the piece. Now, I knew I couldn't win, but I dragged things on long enough that eventually Mr. and Mrs. Monk had to sell everything. Even that cute little starter house they lived in. You know who owns it now?
Sharona: You.
Dale Biederbeck: Mm-hmm. I use it to store my pornography collection. Which reminds me, are you interested in earning a little extra money? Oh-Oh, come on, now. Don't be like that. I mean, after all, Sharona, I know how you paid your rent back in Miami.
Sharona: What kind of dog is that?
Dale Biederbeck: Sweetheart, if you want to feel my stomach, all you have to do is ask.
Sharona: No, I wasn't trying...
Dale Biederbeck: Of course you were. You were thinking, "My God, can he really be that big, or is it a trick?" Let's find out, shall we? Totally... Alfresco!
Sharona: [gags] Oh, my God.

Benjy: [knocking] Mom, are you okay? You've been in there all morning.
Sharona: [o.s.] Go away.
Benjy: Mr. Monk is here.
Sharona: Tell him I hate my job and I quit.
Benjy: [to Monk] I've never seen her freak out like this.
Adrian Monk: I told her not to go!
Sharona: [opens door] In case you're wondering, yes, he really is that fat, okay? He's Orca! He's horrific!