Adrian Monk: Hello. This is Adrian Monk. I'm sorry I missed you. Please leave a message after you hear the beep.
Sharona: Perfect.
Adrian Monk: I have to do it again.
Sharona: That was great.
Adrian Monk: I didn't- I didn't pause after "Hello."
Sharona: Yeah, you did. There was a pause.
Adrian Monk: I- I don't- I don't think so.
Sharona: All right. Well, let's play it back.
Adrian Monk: No, no, no, no, no. I can do it. I can do it. One more time. One more.
Sharona: Adrian, you're wearing out the digital chip. What happened to the old machine?
Adrian Monk: I spilled some coffee on it.
Sharona: And it broke?
Adrian Monk: No.

Adrian Monk: Hello. This is Adrian Monk. Sorry I missed you. Please leave a message when you hear the beep.
Sharona: Perfect.
Adrian Monk: Oh, I said, "when you hear the beep."
Sharona: Well, so what?
Adrian Monk: I should have said, "after you hear the beep." They might start talking during the beep.
Sharona: No they won't. Everybody knows there's a beep. And it doesn't matter anyway, because nobody calls you except for me, right?
Adrian Monk: Right.

Lieutenant Disher: Thank you for coming. Shut the door.
Sharona: Have you been drinking?
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, I have. Couldn't think of any other way to get all this scotch into my body.

Lieutenant Disher: She calls me last week and she says she has a date with an antique dealer a guy named Dalton Padron. So, they go out twice. He proposed to her on their second date.
Adrian Monk: Wow.
Lieutenant Disher: Four days later that's yesterday they get married at city hall. Oh, then last night, when they get back to the hotel, he tells her that it's not working. They need counseling. They're goin' to a therapy clinic, Monk, for their honeymoon.

Adrian Monk: Randy, that's not a crime.
Lieutenant Disher: No, no, no, no. Something is up. He's 37 years old. She's 58. It doesn't make sense. Plus, I don't even think he's playin' for our team.
Adrian Monk: What do you mean? What team?
Sharona: He... He thinks he might be a you know bachelor.
Adrian Monk: He's not a bachelor. He just got married. Haven't you been listening?

Sharona: Did you check him out?
Lieutenant Disher: Yes. He's clean.
Sharona: Well, maybe he just loves her.
[Disher hands Monk a picture of his mother]
Adrian Monk: Uh. Is Is she rich?
Lieutenant Disher: No. That's the thing. She doesn't have a nickel. I send her some money every month, which she spends on bingo and paintings of Jesus. I know she's not the prettiest woman in the world, but she's my mom, and I love her. How could anybody else?

Adrian Monk: I have to tell you I think this is a bad idea.
Sharona: Why are you saying that? Because I thought of it?
Adrian Monk: No, I'm saying that because I think it's a bad idea.

Dr. Waterford: Adrian and Sharona Monk, this is Jeffrey and Rachel Sweeney and Dalton and Maria Padron. We're going to be shipmates together on this wonderful voyage. Gosh, I hope no one gets seasick.
Dalton Padron: You, the map expert?
Dr. Waterford: You know each other?
Sharona: Oh, we were in, uh, Mr. Dalton's antique store. It... Small world.
Dalton Padron: It certainly is.
Maria Disher: Adrian Monk. Do you know my son, Randy Disher?
Adrian Monk: No. No. Does he sell cleaning supplies? That's what I do. Mops and brooms. Mostly brooms. Sell about four brooms for every mop. It's interesting.
Sharona: Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's... It's spellbinding. Let's talk about mops and brooms all day. [chuckles, sighs] Oh, well. Um, That... That's why we're here, because all he can talk about is work.
Adrian Monk: Well, that's not the only reason we're here. [mimes drinking]

Dr. Waterford: I'll show you the garden. Well, I've already had your bags brought upstairs, and I must say, uh, I've never had a guest with so many suitcases.
Sharona: What was that all about? I don't drink.
Adrian Monk: Well, it was... We're undercover. I had to say something.
Sharona: Great. Now we have to spend the whole weekend talking about my drinking problem? All I said about you was that you were boring. Why can't you be the lush?
Adrian Monk: It's too late now. I already said it. That's our story. We're stuck with it.
Sharona: No, we're not. Just tell them that you were confused because you're too drunk 'cause you're the lush.
Adrian Monk: You're the lush.
Sharona: You're the lush.
Adrian Monk: No, you're the lush.
Dr. Waterford: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Whoo. Let's save it for therapy, huh? I don't think you guys should miss a single session.

Dr. Waterford: Dalton. What are you doing here? I thought you were finishing your statement.
Dalton Padron: Yeah. I- I finished mine. I was just, uh, lookin' around. Just sort of a history nut. These are fascinating. He's a wonderful writer.
Adrian Monk: "June 12, 1856. Raining all morning. I had beef jerky for breakfast. There's a cloud in the sky that resembles President Pierce. This chair is squeaking. Something smells good. I love smoking 'tobaccy. I just sneezed."
Dalton Padron: Not every entry was a masterpiece.
Dr. Waterford: He filled 947 volumes. I suspect he had a psychological disorder that compelled him to keep writing.
Adrian Monk: This guy needed an editor.
Sharona: He needed a straitjacket.