Adrian Monk: Do you have a lot of friends? I'll bet you do. Sometimes I turn on the TV. And I turn the sound way down and I pretend that they're talking to me. And everybody likes me. "Adrian. Welcome back." "Oh, we're so happy to see you." "We are so happy to see you." I'll bet you have a lot of friends.

Adrian Monk: You look like a moose. You do. I'm gonna call you Mr. Luke like-a-moose. Luke like-a-moose. [laughs] So about your brother... I'm sorry about the moose thing. Hey, wait, wait, oh, oh, wait, first, listen. What song is this? [taps forks percussively]

Natalie: You're drunk!
Adrian Monk: [laughing] No, it's non-alcoholic. I got him right where I want him! Look! I'm winking.
Natalie: Okay, Mr. Monk, listen to me! You were right. His name isn't Gruber. It's Al Nicoletto, Jr. He has five arrests, no convictions. He's a contract killer.
Adrian Monk: Al, is this true? [Al holds a gun to Monk's chest] Yes or no, is this true?

Lieutenant Disher: Captain, you have got to see this.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What?
Lieutenant Disher: Monk's in there doing one of his summation things. He's wasted.

Adrian Monk: When I hear, when I heard Natalie say she almost had a heart attack I remember, I remembered that Larry Zwibell, AKA also known as Ben Gruber, was taking heart medicine. Cappy! Ladies and gentlemen, Captain Leland Stottlemeyer, homicide! Show, show me your badge.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No.
Adrian Monk: Show it. Show, show, show it. Show, wet.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk-
Adrian Monk: I solved the case.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Good, good, good, good. Let's, let's, um-
Adrian Monk: Okay, show it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Let's let these people go up to their rooms, okay?
Adrian Monk: Where's your gun? He got a gun. Oh, no, no, no, no, no! You don't understand. No, no, no. These are the suspects. Oh, yeah. They're all in on it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, what did they do?
Adrian Monk: Well, they, look at them! I mean, look! Oh, look at them! Okay. Okay. They may not look like cold-blooded killers, but they're they're "crinimals". Yeah. They're "crinimals". Crinimal. Criminals. [falls off a chair]
Natalie: Mr. Monk!
Adrian Monk: They're criminals, I'm telling you! Oh, yeah. We're gonna need a big old paddy wagon. Do they still have paddy wagons?
Natalie: Here you go, Mr. Monk. Please, please drink this coffee.
Adrian Monk: Okay. Wow. Cup O' Joe. Keep them warm.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Did you find the money?
Natalie: Not yet.
Dr. David Sobin: He says there was a conspiracy, and we all took the money. I say this character Gruber junked his own car, took the cash, and hitchhiked to Mexico. Can you prove I'm wrong?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Nope. He's right. Without a body, we don't have a case. Monk... [Monk snores] Monk! Okay, um I guess you're all free to go. Lieutenant, take everybody's address. Make sure it's a valid I.D.
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, sir. If everybody can just follow me. We're sorry about the inconvenience.

Natalie: God, what is it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: What is what?
Natalie: This is their new wine. They bottle it next door. But it has this funky, weird aftertaste, and I cannot put my finger on it. Here.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Smells like aqua velva.
Natalie: Oh, my God. Oh, my God! It's aqua velva.
Adrian Monk: It's aqua velva.