Adrian Monk: Listen, I-I just wanted to explain about what happened. It was an honest mistake. I mean, look at all the evidence. The killer used an upholster's knot. You were an upholsterer. You had a criminal record. Your fingerprint was on the doorknob.
Max Barton: I made a delivery there the week before. I told you that. But you didn't listen.
Adrian Monk: There was an eyewitness. Mrs. McNally swore she saw you leaving the house. Plus, the killer was left-handed. I proved that. And you're left-handed.
Max Barton: Yeah, not anymore. My first week here, they stomped on it.
Natalie: Why?
Max Barton: Because I looked at a guy, that's why.
Adrian Monk: I'm against that. Stomping on hands. I've always been against that.

Natalie: Do you need a lift?
Max Barton: No thanks.
Adrian Monk: Somebody picking you up? Your wife?
Max Barton: My wife? You mean the woman who stopped visiting me nine years ago? Who divorced me five years ago? That who you mean? You really want to help me, Monk? Why don't you curl up in a corner and die?
Natalie: [to Monk] Well, at least you tried.
Adrian Monk: I have to do something. I have to help him.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, I don't think he wants your help.
Adrian Monk: How do you know?
Natalie: Well, the "curl up and die" thing was sort of a hint.

Adrian Monk: [pointing to Max Barton's tattoo] I'm sorry, is that Steven Rudner? The district attorney?
Max Barton: That's right.
Adrian Monk: Is that- Is that me? That looks like me. It is me.
Natalie: Is that a knife?
Adrian Monk: [as Barton does bicep curls] Heh. It looks like... Looks like you're stabbing me.
Max Barton: Right between the eyes.

Max Barton: Invite me to what?
Adrian Monk: I don't know if you're hungry. We, uh, just did some shopping, and we have plenty of food.
Max Barton: You made me a sandwich, Monk? You think that's gonna put things right?
Adrian Monk: We have chips.
Max Barton: Admit it, Monk. You're not here for me, you're here for yourself. The pain, the guilt, it's- It's crushing you. Am I right? Yeah, you wanna hear those three magic words, "I forgive you." Well. You want me to give you absolution? You want me to release you?
Adrian Monk: Please.
Max Barton: Sorry, detective. It's not my job. Why don't you go talk to a priest?

Adrian Monk: Ow.
Natalie: You okay?
Adrian Monk: I can feel it. That knife tattoo going into my head. It's like voodoo.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, there's no such thing. It's all in your head.
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah?

Adrian Monk: What- What are you doing?
Natalie: I'm hungry. What?
Adrian Monk: I made that sandwich for Max.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, I don't think he's coming.
Adrian Monk: What if he changes his mind? He'll come in here, see you eating his sandwich. He'll never forgive me. Ow.

Adrian Monk: I think you should date him.
Natalie: Mr. Monk. I'm not gonna date him. I don't even know him.
Adrian Monk: Okay, okay. It doesn't have to be a date. Just make out with him.
Natalie: All right.
Adrian Monk: Really?
Natalie: No.
Adrian Monk: Come on! As a favor to me.
Natalie: No.
Adrian Monk: What would it take? You're telling me you can't spare five minutes? You're so busy?
Natalie: Mr. Monk, I'm kinda choosy who I make out with.
Adrian Monk: What? You made out with a leper.
Natalie: That's different. You sent him to prison. Why don't you make out with him?
Adrian Monk: ... No. Ow, ow, ow. He's working out again.

Michael: What's he doing?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Him? He's a detective. Like on TV.
Mrs. Gelbertson: Oh, we don't let the boys watch television. It's too violent.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, yeah, I can't blame you. I got two boys myself.
Mr. Gelbertson: The realtor did mention something when we bought the house. Something about a robbery?
Adrian Monk: It's a home invasion. Double homicide. Husband and wife. Tortured. Then killed.
Mrs. Gelbertson: Were they drug dealers?
Adrian Monk: No. They were a nice couple. About your age.

Captain Stottlemeyer: What do you got?
Adrian Monk: Scratch marks. From a dog.
Mr. Gelbertson: They were there when we moved in.
Adrian Monk: No. Can't be. I don't remember a dog 14 years ago.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, according to this, the victims did have a dog. It died the day before the murder.
Captain Stottlemeyer: The day before? What are the odds of that?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, well... They buried it out there. Under a pine tree.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, let's go find it. We'll dig it up. There's gotta be enough hair, skin, skeletal remains. Enough to test for poison. You boys wanna help dig a hole?

Captain Stottlemeyer: Doberman pinscher, 85 pounds. I guess the killer didn't want to have him around.
Lieutenant Disher: With penzedrine?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah they use it during heart operations. It's very rare, which is good news for us. I need you go to back 14 years. I want you to compile a list of anyone who had access. That's, uh, medical supply. Pharmaceutical companies.
Lieutenant Disher: 14 years?
Captain Stottlemeyer: We're looking for somebody with a rap sheet. Somebody who might've missed work the day of the murders.
Lieutenant Disher: Wasn't my case.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Excuse me. What did- Did you just say it wasn't your case?
Lieutenant Disher: No, sir. I said, "Your cousin has a face." Just get me the names.
Captain Stottlemeyer: My cousin has a face.