Adrian Monk: Let me ask you something. You know the box seat, up there in the mezzanine, section B?
Gilson: Yes, sir.
Adrian Monk: Do you think someone could sneak out of there during a performance?
Gilson: I wouldn't know, sir.
Adrian Monk: There's an exit door up there. Where does it lead?
Gilson: To a fire escape. It leads out back, behind the theater.
Adrian Monk: Behind the theater. Behind the... Look at these towels. Look at these towels. You are an artist, Gilson. You are the Michelangelo of lavatories.

Adrian Monk: How bad is it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, it's bad, Monk. Blunt force trauma. He was hit from behind. Metal bat or a crowbar.
Adrian Monk: Oh, no.
Lieutenant Disher: A construction crew found him on the Bay Shore freeway under an off-ramp.
Adrian Monk: Oh, God. Can we talk to him?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Maybe not for a while. He's in a coma. How do you know this guy?
Adrian Monk: He's my men's room attendant.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay.

Natalie: It was John Hannigan. He did it.
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, here we go.
Natalie: No, it can't be a coincidence. He worked at the theater.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Teeger, give it a rest. Are you gonna blame every crime in California on this guy?
Adrian Monk: What is this?
Lieutenant Disher: The stuff in his jacket.
Adrian Monk: Nicotine gum?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, we already checked. He never smoked. It's probably a gift for someone else.
Adrian Monk: Wait, wait. [to Natalie] Don't hug me. You're gonna want to hug me. But don't hug me.
Natalie: Why?
Adrian Monk: You were right about Hannigan. He's the guy.
Natalie: I knew it! I knew it! [hugs Monk] Thank you, thank you, thank you, Mr. Monk!

Natalie: "Julie Teeger is applying to Cal State Berkeley where she is hoping to major in theater arts. She thanks her mother Natalie for all the inspiration in the world." Look, there's a little picture.
Adrian Monk: God.
Natalie: I don't know why I'm so nervous. I know she's gonna be great. She's been performing her whole life. She used to do these little skits in our living room, and once she did The Wizard of Oz. She did, like, all the characters. Even the witch.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I think this is my armrest, and that one's yours.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, we're supposed to share.
Adrian Monk: Wh- Wh- What are we, Russia now?
Natalie: Okay, okay. It's all yours.

Natalie: Oh, no. It's John Hannigan.
Adrian Monk: Who?
Natalie: John Hannigan. The theater critic from the San Francisco Dispatch. What's he doing here? He doesn't normally review community theater. Maybe he read Julie's review in the school paper. You think?
Adrian Monk: Maybe.
Natalie: Really?
Adrian Monk: No.
Natalie: I hope he's in a good mood. He's normally so critical about everything.
Adrian Monk: Isn't that his job? I mean, he's a critic.

Adrian Monk: Uh-oh.
Natalie: What? What is it?
Adrian Monk: We have to go home.
Natalie: Why?
Adrian Monk: I have a situation. Nature. N-a... Nature alert.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, do you have to go to the bathroom?
Adrian Monk: Ssh.
Natalie: No, I'm not leaving. I've been waiting all year to see this.
Adrian Monk: We can be back in 20 minutes.
Natalie: Forget it. Just forget it. She's only in two scenes. Why don't you just use the men's room like everybody else?
Adrian Monk: [chuckles] I wish you could hear yourself sometimes. The men's room is a public facility. I don't use public facilities.

Gilson: May I help you, sir?
Adrian Monk: I'm sorry. Just looking for the men's room.
Gilson: This is the gentleman's restroom, sir.
Adrian Monk: This is the men's room?
Gilson: Uh-huh.
Adrian Monk: How long has this been going on?
Gilson: Oh, since the theater was built, sir. That would be 1910.
Adrian Monk: It's fantastic.
Gilson: Oh, thank you, sir. I like to think of it as someplace special. A sort of sanctuary, as it were. An oasis in the desert.

Natalie: Wasn't she great? Wasn't she wonderful? She was so poised. Wasn't she poised?
Adrian Monk: She was very poised.
Natalie: She was very poised. There he is. He looks happy.
Adrian Monk: Well, if you saw that bathroom you'd understand why.

Natalie: [talking loudly in front of the critic] You know who I loved was the girl that sang "Away". What was her name? Julie something?
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah.
Natalie: Yeah, Julie Teeger. She was the best.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I thought so too. [chuckles] And who would've thought she has the same last name as you. That's unbelievable. [after the critic walks away] I think he bought it. That's odd.
Natalie: What?
Adrian Monk: He just threw away an unopened pack of cigarettes and a lighter.

Julie Teeger: Are you looking for Miss Julie Teeger?
Natalie: Yes, ma'am. Have you seen her? We wanted to tell her how beautiful and talented she was!
Julie Teeger: Okay, so how was it?
Adrian Monk: Oh, you were great. You were so... poised.