Natalie: Okay, so Julie's next guest is Mr. Adrian Monk, who's also my boss. So, everybody, be extra nice. He's going to talk about what it's like to be a police detective.
Adrian Monk: Hi. Hi, I'm I'm, um... I'm... [starts rearranging Russian nesting dolls]
Natalie: Leave it. [kids laugh as Monk knocks some over]
Adrian Monk: I'm, uh... I'm Adrian Monk. Who wants to be a detective when they grow up? What about you?
Girl: No.
Adrian Monk: Everybody in your row has their hand up. If you put your hand up it would be a perfect row. Put your hand up!

Boy: Where's your gun?
Adrian Monk: Um, I, uh, I don't have, I don't have one.
Boy #2: You can't carry one 'cause you had a breakdown.
Adrian Monk: Oh, well, uh...
Boy: Julie says you're afraid of milk.
Adrian Monk: Well, everybody's afraid of something, right?
Boy #3: Julie said you're afraid of everything.
Julie Teeger: Mr. Monk, I really... I'm..

Natalie: Here, Mr. Monk. Drink that. Are you okay? That was a good, good speech. I think the kids learned a lot.
Adrian Monk: Are they still laughing?
Natalie: Well, they'll have to stop soon. The period's almost over.
Adrian Monk: I am such a... What do you call it?
Natalie: Wuss. No, Mr. Monk, you are not a wuss.
Adrian Monk: Well, I'm not a man. I know that. I'm a mutant. I'm half man, half wuss. I'm a muss.

Adrian Monk: Could we come too? I'm a big aviation buff, fan.
Natalie: That's so true. Such a fanatic.
Adrian Monk: I love airplanes.
Natalie: Just crazy about the, uh...
Adrian Monk: Can't get enough of them.
Natalie: The takeoff.
Adrian Monk: And the wings and all. And... the rudder.
Natalie: And that, the landing. You wouldn't mind if we come, do you?

Adrian Monk: Here's what happened. Before he left, Wagner must've gone to Joanne's house. He drugged her but not enough to kill her. Just enough to knock her out for a couple of days. Then he built a machine, a murder machine, a machine that would hang her on Wednesday long after he was gone.
Natalie: What kind of machine?
Adrian Monk: A garage door opener. He left her there drugged. Probably tied up. And then took off into space with the whole world watching. Mr. Monk, what are you doing?
Adrian Monk: I don't know.
Security Guard: They're at ramp two. He's handling the missiles.
Natalie: No, no, no, no. Those are missiles. They could be nuclear weapons!
Adrian Monk: Then stop me for the love of God.
Natalie: I don't understand. She died on Wednesday. How did he activate the machine?
Adrian Monk: It was so simple, it was brilliant! He used a remote control. He taped it or glued it down so it stayed on. Then he put the remote control inside one of those dolls. Then he mailed it to her own house second day mail.
Natalie: Second day mail? Wednesday morning.
Adrian Monk: Exactly. It was like a time bomb. The mail man delivered the remote control, put it on the front porch. On the other side of that door, she was being strangled.
Natalie: Oh, my God. But they found her in the living room!
Adrian Monk: After he landed, Wagner went back to her house. He dismantled the machine and moved her body into the other room. It was a perfect plan except for one thing. The doll was missing. He must've panicked. He went back there again today to find it. He knows that remote could tie him to the murder. His fingerprints are all over it.

Natalie: Mr. Monk. Julie made something for you.
Adrian Monk: What?
Julie Teeger: Well, all my friends at school were talking about what you did and how we were so wrong about Mr. Wagner. And how you caught him. Well, um, anyways, I made you this in art class.
Adrian Monk: Oh, Julie.
Julie Teeger: It's a medal of valor. 'Cause you're the bravest man I've ever known except for my father.

Captain Stottlemeyer: So am I right? Something's not kosher?
Adrian Monk: It's her driver's license. How tall do you think that stool is?
Natalie: Uh, about 18 inches.
Adrian Monk: The rope's 7'6". But according to her license, she's only 5'5".
Natalie: I'm 5'5".
Captain Stottlemeyer: Step up.
Adrian Monk: You're right. It doesn't add up.

Lieutenant Disher: Captain. This is, uh, Darrel Cain. Darrel Cain, Captain Leland Stottlemeyer. Natalie Teeger.
Adrian Monk.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hi.
Lieutenant Disher: Mr. Cain says he was home last week. But he didn't see anything.
Adrian Monk: Excuse me. That box is addressed to Joanne Raphelson.
Darrell Cain: Yeah. It was on her porch. Well, I'd heard she died. I figured it was up for grabs.
Natalie: You can't just take mail from somebody's porch.
Darrell Cain: Yeah, you can if it's fruit. Law doesn't apply to fruit because it's perishable.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Actually, sir, the law does apply to fruit. [to Disher] Are you eating one?
Lieutenant Disher: No. I was just putting that back.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Is this a bad time?
Steve Wagner: Oh. No. No. Some friends are throwing me a little party. It's sort of a tradition.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Congratulations on your flight.
Lieutenant Disher: Hey, and, uh, congratulations on that crash landing four years ago. Oh, and, uh, marrying the figure skater.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, congratulations on your whole damn life.

Captain Stottlemeyer: This is Lieutenant Disher, Natalie Teeger, and Adrian Monk.
Steve Wagner: Monk. I know that name. You're the detective. The one who quit.
Adrian Monk: I, I, I didn't quit, exactly. It was, it was a leave of absence.
Steve Wagner: It's nothing to be ashamed of, Mr. Monk. Some people just can't handle the pressure.
Adrian Monk: I didn't quit.