‘Happy Birthday, Mr. Monk’
Season 8, Episode 9 - Aired October 16, 2009
As Monk investigates the murders of a janitor and a patent lawyer, Natalie tries to throw him a birthday party, but he's always one step ahead of her.
Quote from Adrian Monk
Natalie: Another murder. Coincidence?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't believe in coincidence. Okay, let's take a step back. We got a janitor who's killed. The only other guy in the building is a lawyer named Richard Meckler. Ten hours later, Meckler is poisoned. What do you think, Monk?
Adrian Monk: I don't believe in coincidence either. And I also don't believe in surprise parties. [opens morgue drawer]
Natalie: He has a big birthday tomorrow.
Medical Examiner: Happy birthday.
Quote from Adrian Monk
Lieutenant Disher: Doc, you said that the, sodium flur-
Medical Examiner: Fluoroacetate.
Lieutenant Disher: It was fast-acting.
Medical Examiner: That's right. Once you ingest it, you're dead within ten seconds.
Lieutenant Disher: That doesn't make sense. I was right there. I was talking to the guy. I didn't see anything.
Adrian Monk: Neither did I! [uncovers an autopsy body] Can I just say something? If this is my party, it's the second worse birthday party I've ever had.
Quote from Adrian Monk
Natalie: Please, Mr. Monk, just come with me. It'll take just an hour.
Adrian Monk: Told you before I can't do it.
Natalie: What, because of Cowboy Hank?
Adrian Monk: Cowboy Hank.
Natalie: Because of one bad party. Okay, Mr. Monk, congratulations. You win. You're gonna spend your birthday alone. And the next birthday after that. And the one after that too. Until you finally die alone, pathetic and miserable and sad. And alone.
Adrian Monk: Deal. Can we fix the vacuum now?
Quote from Adrian Monk
Natalie: How about a watch?
Adrian Monk: I already have a watch.
Natalie: Some people have two.
Adrian Monk: Why would I want two? Look, if you have one wristwatch you always know what time it is. If you have two, you're never sure.
Natalie: Well, Mr. Monk, I have to get you something, it's your birthday.
Adrian Monk: Don't remind me.
Natalie: And not just any birthday, you're 50 years old. That's a milestone.
Adrian Monk: You know, you don't understand.
Quote from Adrian Monk
Adrian Monk: If you buy me something then I have to pretend to like it. And then I have to remember to thank you and then I have to return it. And it's a nightmare. It's a nightmare. Where is everybody?
Natalie: Oh, they're probably in the captain office. He said it was very important.
Adrian Monk: Where are the cups?
Natalie: What cups?
Adrian Monk: All the cups and the paper plates. Yesterday there was a big pile here.
Natalie: I don't know. We're late, come on.
Adrian Monk: Wait... a minute. [Monk walks around the room]
Lieutenant Disher: [in the Captain's office] Uh-oh.
Natalie: What are you doing?
Captain Stottlemeyer: [in his office] I knew it.
Quote from Adrian Monk
Adrian Monk: Why'd the captain want to see me, again?
Natalie: I told you, it's a double homicide in Marin County.
Adrian Monk: You said triple homicide.
Natalie: I don't think so.
Adrian Monk: Hey, you said triple. All right. What happened, did somebody get better, Natalie? It's a party, isn't it? It's a surprise party.
Natalie: No, Mr. Monk, I would never do that. I know how you hate parties.
Adrian Monk: Nice try, Teeger.
Natalie: Okay, Mr. Monk. It's a surprise party, can't you just play along?
Adrian Monk: I don't wanna play along.
Natalie: Come on, everybody's chipped in. We've been planning it for weeks.
Adrian Monk: [sighs] I can't. I can't do it. I hate birthdays.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [in his office] What were we thinking? He's the best detective in the world.
Quote from Adrian Monk
Natalie: I am not giving up, Mr. Monk. You're officially on notice. I am throwing you a party.
Adrian Monk: As a matter of fact, you are not.
Natalie: Oh, yes I am. We're gonna have balloons and cake and dancing.
Adrian Monk: Oh, for the love of God, why?
Natalie: Because, Mr. Monk, it's your birthday. And whether you like it or not, you have friends who love you and want to celebrate your life. We're happy you were born.
Adrian Monk: You're so cruel.
Quote from Adrian Monk
Natalie: Oh, my God! Where's the rest of him?
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's all there is.
Natalie: He's all squished!
Captain Stottlemeyer: His name was Bradley Foster. He was the maintenance man here. Apparently, he fell into the compactor.
Lieutenant Disher: I'm gonna send a guy out to check the parking lot for his car.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I'd look for a compact. [cops chuckle]
Natalie: It's not funny.
Uniform Cop: Did you see what he was wearing? Those aren't briefs they're more like boxers.
Adrian Monk: He was probably still alive when he dropped into the gears. The rotating blades must have ripped his spinal column and shredded his lungs. He must have been screaming and begging for his life the whole way down.
Quote from Adrian Monk
Adrian Monk: Yeah, excuse me. You said you came in and you turned on the lights?
Paul Wellman: That's right.
Adrian Monk: Are you sure about that? About the lights?
Paul Wellman: Yes, sir. I'll never forget it. I turned on the lights and saw the blood.
Natalie: Why are you asking about the lights?
Adrian Monk: Who turned them off?
Natalie: Oh. Yeah.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That makes things a whole lot more interesting. Let's seal this building. Talk to everybody.
Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer
Captain Stottlemeyer: Consumer Currents? You write for them?
T.K. Jensen: Indeed. I bought my motorcycle last year because you guys recommended it. You gave it five stars.
T.K. Jensen: How is it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's five stars. I love it. So thank you.
T.K. Jensen: Choppers aren't my department. I mainly cover household appliances like blenders and vacuum cleaners. But if you're in the market for an energy efficient three cycle dishwasher with half load option, I'm your gal. [giggles]
Captain Stottlemeyer: T.K. What's the "T" stand for?
T.K. Jensen: It stands for my first name.