Ambrose Monk: Captain. I- I have your coffee, Captain.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you. Why is it numbered?
Ambrose Monk: Mother numbered all the mugs.
Adrian Monk: So we'd always put them back in the right order.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Of course she did. What did she do if a mug got broken?
Ambrose Monk: What?
Captain Stottlemeyer: What happened if a mug got broken?
Ambrose Monk: Number nine. It slipped. I couldn't help it.
Adrian Monk: Ambrose, not now.
Ambrose Monk: It was not my fault.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm sorry.
Ambrose Monk: It was not my fault.

Ambrose Monk: What are you doing? You- You can't go in there. You cannot go in there.
Julie Teeger: I'm sorry. I didn't know.
Natalie: What's going on?
Ambrose Monk: That, that is, that's Dad's study. We're, we're, we're not allowed in there.
Natalie: Not allowed?
Ambrose Monk: Yes. Dad caught me in there once when I was 12.
Natalie: What happened, Ambrose?
Ambrose Monk: He grounded me.
Julie Teeger: For 30 years?

Adrian Monk: Are you trick-or-treating?
Adrian Monk: No. No. This is Natalie, my new assistant. You spoke on the phone.
Ambrose Monk: Enchanter de vous rencontrer. I'm Ambrose Monk, Adrian's brother. Ambrose Monk.
Natalie: Yes, I know. Very nice to meet you, Ambrose.
Ambrose Monk: Yes.
Natalie: Uh this is my daughter, Julie.
Ambrose Monk: I like your costume. You're, you're a cardiologist.
Julie Teeger: I'm a doctor.
Ambrose Monk: No, you're a cardiologist. You see, that stethoscope has a built-in concave amplifier. It's called a stethron. Cardiologists use it to listen for heart murmurs.
Julie Teeger: Guess I'm a cardiologist.
Ambrose Monk: It's all right. I made a mistake once.

Kids: Trick-or-treat!
Ambrose Monk: Wait. Wait. Not yet. Trick-or-treat. I've accepted your terms, which means we now have an implied contract. By accepting this treat, you are in effect promising to refrain from committing any tricks against me or this property now or in the future. Are there any questions?
Boy: Yeah. Do you have any peanut chews?
Ambrose Monk: There's only what's in the bowl. Now, one per customer, all right?

Lieutenant Disher: The man who attacked you was 5 feet tall.
Ambrose Monk: That's right.
Lieutenant Disher: And he wore a green mask with a bolt through the neck. Did he say anything?
Adrian Monk: He said, "Grr."
Ambrose Monk: No, no, no, no. It was... [growls]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Write down Frankenstein.
Ambrose Monk: No, it wasn't Frankenstein. It was Frankenstein's monster. Frankenstein is the name of the scientist who created the monster.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It doesn't really matter.
Ambrose Monk: Captain, you can't just say Frankenstein, it'll confuse everybody.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, write down Frankenstein's monster.

Ambrose Monk: What are you doing, Lieutenant?
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, I'm just-
Ambrose Monk: Sorry, you can't take that. I don't have any extra.
Adrian Monk: It's just candy.
Ambrose Monk: I know how much I need. Every year, I have it down to a science based on current weather conditions, recent census data, and the demand from previous Halloweens. Last year, I ended up with just one extra candy bar. [takes candy bar from Disher]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, Ambrose, that's, um... That's very... I don't know what the hell that is. Come on, Lieutenant, I'll buy you a snickers bar.

Sharona: Ambrose, you know what? Adrian's scared too all the time. But he doesn't let that stop him. Okay, now you tell me, what does he have that you don't have?
Ambrose Monk: He has you.

Julie Teeger: Wow. This is spooky. Do you do this every year for Halloween?
Ambrose Monk: Do what?
Julie Teeger: Um, nothing.
Natalie: All these instruction manuals.
Adrian Monk: Yes, Ambrose wrote them. That's what he does.
Natalie: Wow, Ambrose, you must be pretty handy around the house.
Julie Teeger: Yeah, you should've been there when we were putting together my Malibu Jenny bungalow. It took my mom five hours.
Ambrose Monk: I'm not surprised. Mike Gordon wrote that one. He's a hack. The man can't tell the difference between a 3/4 inch retaining screw and a half inch lag bolt. I'm not kidding. He actually made that mistake. Still can't believe he won the Niz-em-ew award.
Adrian Monk: Niz-em what?
Ambrose Monk: National Society of Instruction Manual Writers.
Adrian Monk: Oh. Right. I've won five of them.
Julie Teeger: Can we see one?
Ambrose Monk: No. They're not here. They won't mail them.
Natalie: Well, at least you won them. That's the important thing.

Natalie: Oh, I found some pictures. I hope you don't mind.
Ambrose Monk: No, no.
Natalie: Is that your father?
Ambrose Monk: Oh, that's him and Ambrose.
Natalie: He named the turtle after you?
Ambrose Monk: He named me after the turtle.
Natalie: Oh, Ambrose.
Natalie: Oh, I like this one. You look so happy.
Ambrose Monk: Mom was worried about us because we never laughed. So she made us practice. That's us practicing. So now I can laugh. [chuckles] If I have to.

Timothy Henn: Adrian was in my fourth grade class. He was a brilliant boy. At first, he was probably the most promising student I ever had.
James Novak: What happened?
Timothy Henn: Well, his father left. Just took off. After that, everything changed.
James Novak: When Adrian was eight, his father Jack, a frustrated linen salesman, told the boys he was heading out to pick up some Chinese food. Adrian would not see or speak to him again for 39 years.
Ambrose Monk: Mom didn't leave her room for two years, and I didn't leave my room. So it was all up to Adrian. He kept it all together. The house, the family. I don't know how he did it. He's my hero.