Jay: I want to grab a picture of you and Claire. I want to post it on my Inseam account.
Mitchell: Oh, what's Inseam?
Jay: I use it for home tailoring.

Claire: How close did you get to this "intruder"?
Cameron: Okay, Claire. That is just about enough. Mitchell suffered a trauma, and I don't appreciate your mocking tone. Excuse us.
Mitchell: Okay? Thank you, sweetie.
Cameron: Okay, look, we both know two things for certain I look fabulous in coral, and you didn't fight off any intruder.

Gloria: Jay, I saw on Inseam that there was a Thanksgiving pageant at Joe's school. Why didn't you tell me?
Jay: I totally forgot.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Joe hasn't been in school for a week. I had a falling-out with his teacher.
Joe: And got sent to the principal's office.

Alex: Hey, Gloria, this is weird. You know, I downloaded your My StepCounter data onto my computer, and it's showing your path this morning was the same route my mom took in her race.
Claire: Hmm?
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: I was never going to get 100,000 steps. But then I learned that Claire was going on a Turkey Trot. The second time I hugged her, it was a little harder because she was really wet.
[back:]
Claire: So I'm basically just your StepCounter mule? I thought you cared about my race.
Gloria: I love you very much, Claire, but your exercise doesn't really interest me.

Claire: I have a picture of it. Luke? And there you go. That is me clearly running in front of Pritchett's Closets.
Mitchell: Oh, yeah, yeah. With a Reagan/Bush poster in the window, huh? The photo is a fake.
Luke: It's not my fault. Manny made it.
Gloria: Manny was Photoshopping everything? So Joe was in real danger?
Luke: I did not realize how easy it would be for you to connect those dots.

Phil: Okay, I'm just gonna try to barrel through this. It's Normandy. I'm an American G.I. named Tony Ranzetti. I'm from Brooklyn, and I love my mama's home cooking! But I don't think I'm gonna be able to get out!
Gloria: Is he talking as Tony Ranzetti or as Phil?