Cameron: Why didn't you just tell me?
Mitchell: I don't know. You- You walked in, and you asked if there was a break-in, and I-I was embarrassed and possibly concussed, so I just- I went with it. Besides, my dad and Claire cannot know, okay? That whole "Karate Kid" summer, they called me "Kung Sue."

Jay: Holy crap, where'd he go?!
Phil: Private Ranzetti reporting Operation Overlord is a success. Cocktails are on me.
Claire: That was amazing!
Jay: Gotta hand it to you, Phil. You get the big turkey leg. Let's take this party to the table!
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Come on, hippies.

Cameron: No, I overheard the lady coach call her play on my walkie-talkie, and I changed my defense to win the game. And now I'm having anxiety, and I have to confess.
Mitchell: No, you you are not gonna confess. You're gonna smush that anxiety into a little ball, and you're gonna push it into that little, tiny hole in your soul where childhood traumas go. Everybody here is a winner. If you end up being the one loser at the table, I'm gonna get nothing but condescending pity from everybody. Especially Claire, that insufferable phony. [waves to Claire]

Claire: Do you have a Chinese character on your bruise?
Mitchell: Yeah, it's probably an imprint from the intruder's ring. He was- I'm sure he was in a gang of some sort.
Cameron: Just give it up, Mitchell. He knocked himself out with some nunchucks that I confiscated as acting vice principal.
Claire: Oh, my God! Kung Sue is back. Daddy, did you hear that?

Mitchell: Cam, it's late. Cam, I have work early in the morning. Cameron! I cannot sleep!
Cameron: Well, you should have thought about that before you challenged me that I couldn't do 100,000 steps in a day.
Mitchell: Well, how close are you?
Cameron: 125.
Mitchell: Okay, fine. [turns light off, then back on] Wait. 125 left?
Cameron: Nope.

Jay: Does everyone have a glass? I'm just giving my Thanksgiving toast.
Claire: Oh, come on, Dad, isn't it weird that every year you single out one person who somehow made you extra proud this year? Makes the rest of us feel like...
Jay: It's you, Claire.
Claire: Yeah! I knew it!
Jay: And you, Phil, and you, Mitchell. Actually, it's all of you. I know I get a hard time for stirring up competition in the family, but look at the results. Phil scoring with his new magic shop. Cam winning the big game. Claire winning the race. And Mitchell scaring away that burglar.

Gloria: And you are a winner, too, Jay. He wanted to spend more time with Joe, so he's dropping him off and picking him up from school every day.
Claire: Dad, what is wrong with her?
Jay: I challenged her to get to 100,000 steps in a week.
Claire: That's easy.
Mitchell: That's so easy.
Gloria: Without shopping.
Mitchell: Oh. I get- I get the challenge.

Cameron: Oh, you knew I was nervous about the big game, so you set out my- [Lily slaps away Cameron's hand] Okay.
Lily: Sprinkles are for heroes. [to Mitchell] Here, Daddy. Thank you for protecting us.

Lily: If the robber comes back when Brave Daddy isn't here, we can use these. [swings nunchuks]
Cameron: Okay, no, no, no, no. I had to confiscate those at school. They're very dangerous, and, plus, you should avoid the cliché.

Claire: Ow! The first person who figures out how to stick these numbers right on is gonna be rich.
Alex: You could just pin it to your shirt before you put it on.
Claire: Have you shared this idea with anyone else?