Haley: Oh, one last thing: do not touch the tiara on display in the drawing room. It is very delicate. Got it?
Claire: Sorry, honey. You're just- You're doing that thing where you look like a really intense baby deer.
Phil: Oh, the scarier you try to be, the more adorable you are.
Claire: I know!

Haley: Whatever. I have, like, a million errands to run for my boss.
Manny: Hang on. Since, uh, no one's called dibs on the master bedroom, I assume it's up for grabs.
Haley: Oh, actually, there are only three guest bedrooms upstairs, so you'll have to sleep in there, okay?
Manny: The maid's quarters? But I'll be right next to the creaky do- [door creaks loudly]
Jay: You know, if you want, I can put some oil on that.
Haley: Oh, no, no, no. Don't. These are traditional Tibetan creaking hinges.[Door creaks, closes]
Cameron: We need those.

Claire: [aside to camera] I love Phil. Let's just get that out of the way first, but he has these bear slippers. I don't know where they came from, probably the same place that sells pinky rings and other things that make it difficult to see your husband as a sexual being.
[flashback:]
Phil: Oh, my gosh. I don't think I'm allowed here in my bare feet. [laughs]

Jay: [aside to camera] Stella's been severely depressed because her best friend, Norman, the next-door neighbor's dog, just died. She won't even do her favorite trick anymore.
[flashback:]
Jay: Stella. Stella, speak. Speak. Like you're saying "Hello". [howling] Hellooo! Hel-Hellooo!
Manny: Hello?

Jay: I wanted to bring Stella on the trip to cheer her up. She never sees seasons, but Gloria wanted one night with just the two of us in bed, so I did the only sensible thing.
Claire: You left her at home with a dog sitter?
Jay: Checked her in the hotel down the road. I'm trying to get some wine in Gloria so she passes out early and I can sneak off and feed Stella.
Claire: The hotel down the road? You mean the Ritz?
Jay: I had points. Calm down.

Mitchell: Cam's in a feud with Ronaldo's husband over what type of cracker belongs on a cheese platter.
Ronaldo: Water cracker. The cheese is the star. This isn't our fight.

Mitchell: Can you believe this? We're going to a party at Oprah's.
Gloria: What if we become friends with her? What if we get our own TV show? Who's gonna pick up Joe from school?!
Mitchell: Gloria, we'll have drivers.

Phil: Cameron?
Cameron: Philip?
Phil: Did you hear that?
Cameron: You mean when our dance instructor told us we were basically street-dance superstars?
Phil: Did you notice how he singled us out? He didn't even mention Mitch or Claire. [whispering] It's like he's saying they're holding us back.
Cameron: Okay. You know what? We need to shed our dead-weight spouses. There is nobody I would rather impress more than Sho Nuff.
Phil: True dat.
Cameron: No, True Dat's just the DJ. I don't care what he thinks.

[aside to camera:]
Phil: Turns out, Cam and I make tremendous dance partners. Our bodies are so in tune, it's like we finish each other's-
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: sequences. Phil starts a move, and I instinctually complete it. And, yeah, it's as powerful as it sounds.

Cameron: Oh, my gosh. Did you ever think a farm boy from Missouri and and a real-estate agent from Key West, Florida, would get the opportunity to audition for the prestigious Tuesday Company? And it only costs slightly more than regular classes.
Phil: We could be the greatest masters-level hip-hop duo since Pump Up and The Jam!