‘White Christmas’
Season 7, Episode 9 - Aired December 9, 2015
Gloria wants a traditional, white Christmas now she's an American citizen, so she rents a cabin in the mountains for the whole family. Mitchell and Cameron are determined to make up for a bad caroling performance, Haley and Andy can't keep their hands off each other, and Claire is stunned when Jay makes a major announcement.
Quote from Lily
Mitchell: Okay, hey, hey, I have a fun idea! Why don't we give Lily one of her presents right now?
Cameron: Ooh, that is a fun idea, daddy. Then she can go play with a toy rather than being with us boring, old adults. How's that sound, Lily?
Lily: I feel like you're up to something, but I don't care. I want a present. I'll take the bike-shaped one. Nice wrapping job, by the way.
Mitchell: Uh, wasn't that for Joe?
Cameron: Well, Joe's getting a doll now.
Quote from Alex
Alex: I have so much lab homework to get done during this break. If it were up to me, Christmas wouldn't even come this year.
Luke: Any chance you could sound more like a cartoon villain?
Quote from Gloria
Claire: Gloria, in your little daily e-mails, you said it was gonna be cold.
Gloria: That's what my phone said.
Jay: You're on Celsius.
Gloria: Oh. It's going to be hot, guys!
Quote from Jay
Jay: Oh, hey. Look, a piano. Maybe we can get a little song from The Crapenters.
Quote from Haley
Haley: [aside to camera] Andy's fiancee, Beth, has to work, so Gloria invited him for Christmas, which is complicated because we've been having sex and nobody knows about it. I mean, we know.
Quote from Andy
Haley: My family cannot find out about us.
Andy: I'm certainly not gonna tell them. I still have their respect.
Jay: Andy, chop-chop. Joe's making his bathroom face.
Quote from Mitchell
Fig: Oh, thank god you made it! I thought you'd gotten into a horrible car accident! Wait a second. You're not Trip, Tad, Lois, Darcy, and Marlene.
Mitchell: No, we're other names. Who are you?
Quote from Jay
Fig: Fig Wilson. My family's been coming here for the holidays for years.
Gloria: We rented this cabin from the Wilsons. They are in Hawaii.
Fig: Nobody told me that.
Gloria: Okay, well, bye-bye.
Fig: How could they abandon me? Uh, I'm the most caring one in the family. I warn them about cancer. I buy their fat kids clothes in aspirational sizes. I invite them all to my dogs' funerals. Last one ran straight into traffic.
Jay: I can see that.
Quote from Cameron
Fig: Well, I guess I'll just get my bags and walk down the hill. Hopefully, I'll get to the bus station before nightfall. It's wolf season.
Cameron: Why don't you stay here with us? It's Christmas.
Fig: Oh. First time I saw you, I thought you were gonna be a pain in the ass, but it turns out you're my favorite.